


tell me you'll come home (even if it's just a lie)

by PolzkaDotz



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe - Alien Invasion, Alternate Universe - The Host (Meyer) Fusion, Angst with a Happy Ending, Assisted Dying, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of childhood abuse, Multi, Pre-Relationship, Sharing a Body, Slice of Life, Slightly Graphic Sex Scene, Suicidal Ideation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-17 09:55:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 25,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28723215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PolzkaDotz/pseuds/PolzkaDotz
Summary: Neil tightened his grip around the electric kettle at the same time that he sighed, frustrated.I don’t think you have the best perspective about yourself, Andrew... I’ve already told you and I can say it how many times you need to hear it: you are not a poison for your body.But my thoughts certainly are a poison to my brain, which controls my body, so at this point this is just a case of petty semantics.Andrew visualized a careless, emotionless shrug.I can’t see how anyone can argue I’d be doing anything good with this body by remaining here. My body might have some worth, but I arguably don’t.Andrew doesn't want to live in his body anymore, so he gives it up to the aliens.
Relationships: Kevin Day/Andrew Minyard, Kevin Day/Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 24
Kudos: 36





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ihaveacleverfandomurl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ihaveacleverfandomurl/gifts).



>   
> this is what happens when i try to write about having feelings when i arguably have NONE and also "experiment with my writing". I'm not sure of anything that is in here, but i also don't regret a single part of it, i guess, even though it's very much telling instead of showing✌️  
>   
> Kay: thank you for being oh so graceful with my inopportune, messy writing schedule. Your birthday might have been a while ago, but I still hope you like this (even though I feel like it changed from what I told you this was possibly going to be about). May we have many more birthdays to miss giving gifts on the correct date!  
>   
> For everybody else: if you don't know The Host, it's basically aliens invaded Earth, human bodies were occupied by them and the human minds were erased, an alien gets put in a human girl and falls in love with her boyfriend and brother, then goes out to find both of them. This fic operates in a future of that universe, where the aliens and humans found a way to work together, sort of. Ask questions if anything confused you though!  
>   
> title of the fic comes from billie eilish's "ilomilo" and rated M because I might have gone a bit hard with the suicidal ideation????? oops  
> 

There was absolutely _nothing left_ for Andrew to protect anymore. 

If anything was going to make Andrew’s existence as a protector have meaning, an alien invasion was an okay scenario. Lots of potential for protection, definitely. 

The alien invasion had reached a stage where it wasn’t much of an invasion anymore, though. As Andrew sat in the waiting room of the alien medical facility—that Andrew would never call a hospital since it was the furthest thing away from that—waiting to speak for the last time with his body to people and hand it to his own little alien to occupy it, he couldn’t help but ponder on how this was the last thing he could do for himself that felt right. To just… end it all. 

It was better than keeping himself in his apartment all the time, except for the short periods where he got in his car and went—somewhere, anywhere, nowhere far enough from his nagging thoughts of having zero purpose. 

It was better than to keep receiving the occasional angry text from Aaron, who didn’t know how to deal with the dichotomy of his feelings towards Andrew but still felt the need to check on him. 

It was better than ignoring the many, many messages (and texts and, twice, letters) that Nicky sent, still trying to burst the bubble of silence that Andrew had entered after his court-mandated medicine was obsolete in Andrew’s life (because of the whole alien invasion thing). 

There has only been one person able to shake Andrew enough into a semblance of caring in the last few years. And that person was, currently, not in need of Andrew’s services anymore. Spending long days being a human celebrity, trying to find more human survivors who didn’t know what had changed in the world, basically saving the future of humanity was a bit more important than paying attention to an old teammate, ex-survivor companion in many senses of that particular word. 

Hence, why Andrew had taken himself to an alien facility months ago and offered to host a soul. Offered to basically give up a body that he didn’t want to inhabit anymore. When asked for a reason, Andrew just said, “New Year’s Eve is close.” 

The aliens had looked at him as if trying to understand the joke. Maybe “New year, new me” was a quintessential human sentiment? 

“Mr. Minyard?” one of the souls dressed like a Healer said, calling Andrew’s attention to the present and looking at him with glowing, fake-gentle eyes. Andrew had grown up around too many humans to simply trust goodness like all souls seemed to strive for. It might have been one of the reasons he had gone out to buy stuff to eat less and less, and sought people even less than that. The cognitive distortion of his black and white thinking made a world where everyone was ‘peaceful’ into a world of all of ‘Everyone is immediately my enemy because they all act the same’. “The Healer will see you now.” 

Andrew got up without a single look towards the gentle smile the Healer had on that farce of a face and entered the office, alone. 

He had known that meeting the alien that would occupy him was the procedure, but it still was somewhat of a shock to see Neil Josten’s face just… there, looking at Andrew for the second time ever in their lives. 

Neil Josten looked the same as he had one year and a half ago, when he and Kevin had argued humanity’s case on live TV. Neil’s eyes had always looked more human than any other soul. He had always made a point to talk about the abuse his host had suffered, and Andrew supposed that might explain Neil’s overall reluctance over being so fucking kind all the time. 

The last meeting, though, usually happened so either the soul or the host could ask questions. Andrew had made it clear that he didn’t have any, and apparently neither did Neil—it was the Healer who wanted to talk one last time. As it had been the standard for a little more than a year thanks to Neil’s own program, they put new souls only in _willing_ human bodies, “so both parts can reach an understanding over each other’s experience and promote partnership, not personal erasure”. 

Andrew was a willing human body, but he didn’t care at all about the experience of it all. Andrew wanted to be completely erased and have his body handed over to another alien, to live however many days Andrew still had left. 

“This decision might be irreversible,” The Healer said. Neil Josten, interestingly, had kept himself quiet this entire time. It was not what Andrew remembered about his behavior—when Andrew had watched Kevin and Neil storm a TV station, Neil had been the loudest soul Andrew had ever met—but he wouldn’t complain. Andrew actually had to say goodbye to the quiet while he still had it. “Are you certain?” 

“Yes.” 

“Did you do everything you wanted to do?” The Healer’s voice had that quality that Andrew hated about most souls, who saw all humans as tragic (or ungrateful), but the humans who didn’t want to exist anymore as _pitiful_. “We can give you more time.” 

Andrew would roll his eyes if he had an inkling of a fuck to give in his body, but alas. “There’s no need for more time. I’m ready.” 

The Healer looked at Neil Josten, as if waiting for him to do… something. Maybe stop Andrew, if what Neil said was anything to go by. 

“It’s his choice.” Neil crossed his arms and the Healer immediately scowled, then tried to smooth his face as if nothing had happened. As if annoyance was an emotion beneath him. Andrew could almost relate to that. “Anything else I have to say to him will be between us, in the same head.” 

There was a moment of silence while the Healer looked around the room, clearly waiting for something to intervene. If he expected Andrew to regret anything, ask this whole process to stop so the souls could help him, he would be sorely disappointed. Andrew had nothing else to protect, least of all himself and his own sense of self. 

Let someone else carry his carcass of a human, let it be that someone else will deal with the pests in his past, the poison ivy that his memories and traumas were. Andrew was too tired to keep doing this when there was nothing worth at the end of the suffering. He would much rather surrender himself to the invasive species, let someone else do something worthwhile with his body. 

Being put down by alien medicine was a much more civil process than Andrew had ever experienced with drugs. One nebulous puff of it right on his face was enough to make his edges go absolutely fuzzy for a few seconds, then darken his everything at once. The field that was Andrew’s body, full of pests, bugs and weed that need to be cleaned before receiving new crops. Andrew hoped to be immediately erased, but he would deal with Neil for a few months if he wasn’t, then he would be gone forever. 

Andrew let the cloud of drugs take him, his consciousness nothing but a touch-me-not weed. If it all went according to plan, Andrew’s consciousness wouldn’t reopen itself to the world ever again. 

* * *

The first thought Andrew had about having someone else in his head was Neil’s thoughts were loud. Neil wasn’t thinking at him, he just seemed overwhelmed about the experience of being put in a human body, quote “because of all the emotions”. 

Andrew would have snorted at that from the sheer hilarity of being considered someone with _too many emotions_ , but as Neil finally found his way around Andrew’s body, they were both busy reliving Andrew’s last moments in the Healer’s office. Andrew didn’t pay attention to it, and he also didn’t have to, since he knew how to compartmentalize different parts of his brain going through different thoughts; it was the same process with Neil there, just… Neil was something he couldn’t control or shove away like his own memories. It felt a bit weird to have Neil addressing the not even _hours-ago_ old memory with all of his focus, clearly it felt weirder to although Neil had told him he would not go through memories Andrew didn’t want him to go through, boundaries would be harder to enforce in the same brain. 

There were some memories Andrew might not want to relive and, as he experienced Neil reliving a memory, Andrew fully realized how much that decision was going to be out of his control really soon. Andrew had _a lot_ of memories, though. Maybe he wouldn’t be here to witness Neil finding them. Neil wasn’t settled enough yet to have a conversation with Andrew at all, but it wasn’t like Andrew would ask if that was viable even if he was. 

Currently, Andrew had no choice but to wait Neil out, so that was what he did while taking that the time to try to adjust to Neil’s presence just _there_ —closer than anything Andrew had ever experienced, thinking all his thoughts that didn’t mingle with Andrew’s at all. Water and oil, sliding against one another, almost over-filling Andrew’s mind. 

Finally, in the memory, Andrew was fading away, and it all turned to the burnt darkness that were the insides of Andrew’s eyelids turned to a light source. 

The silence inside Andrew’s head clearly would never exist again because, although they weren’t _saying_ anything, Neil’s thoughts were still very much there and still incredibly loud as he tried to process things. None of those thoughts were directed at Andrew—they were just… non-stop rambling as he logic his way into settling down. 

_Did he tell Kevin at all?_ Neil thought to himself. Andrew hadn’t planned on answering it, but he was _too new_ at this sharing a body, so his mind just… gave the answer away, making Neil still in his head. 

_You didn’t tell him,_ Neil said directly at Andrew this time. There wasn’t a single note of judgment in his voice. The sky was blue; the sun was yellow; Andrew didn’t tell Kevin he would die. 

_It’s not my place to judge,_ Neil explained, and Andrew would have scowled but he didn’t have a face to do that anymore. Neil could still recognize his annoyance at this situation, even though Andrew had yet to form a sentence _to him._

Neil waited for something to come, but Andrew had nothing for him. There wasn’t anything productive with that annoyance, so Andrew forced himself to let it go. Being annoyed at Neil for getting answers from his mind when they were on the same body was stupid. Getting annoyed because he wasn’t being judged was useless. Neil was quiet(ish) as Andrew worked through those thoughts, but still waited for a beat to see if Andrew had anything to say directly to him about it. Andrew didn’t. 

_This will be the moment of truth,_ Neil told him when he clearly thought Andrew was done. _Are you ready?_

_Yes,_ Andrew said, and Neil opened Andrew’s eyes—well. His eyes currently, until he erased Andrew from it and gave it to the next soul. 

The Healer was there, by their side. He was quiet as Neil blinked a couple times against the fluorescent glare of the ceiling light and kept himself like that while Neil tested Andrew’s limbs and his control over them. Andrew heard Neil comment to himself, _This is smaller than I thought it would be,_ and wished he could sigh. 

“Neil?” The Healer asked. 

“Yes, I’m here,” Neil answered, sitting his body on the table so they didn’t have to deal with the light anymore. “Andrew is still here as well.” 

“Good, that’s good,” The Healer sounded all gentle once again and Andrew just watched as Neil catalogued the body’s distrustful reaction to the tone of voice, although Neil didn’t say anything to Andrew about it or even _thought_ of anything. Andrew couldn’t understand how he had that level of self-control, wanted to explore it for _reasons_ maybe, but there was no time to ask about it now. 

Also, it wasn’t like he cared a lot about it. 

Neil scoffed at that thought and Andrew wished he could have raised an eyebrow at him, but the Healer was speaking and calling Neil’s attention outwards. 

“Well, if you want to stay here while you get used to the body, you’re more than welcome—” 

“That won’t be necessary, thank you,” Neil cut him off and the blank politeness sounded wrong to Andrew, mainly because he wouldn’t have said anything in response, just simply walked out. Andrew could predict that the behavioral dissonance would be something jarring to look forward to. 

The Healer pursed his lips. “Well, if you’re sure… You already have the information for the Mind Healer’s appointments, correct?” 

“Yes.” 

“Then, you’re free to go,” The Healer said with hesitancy, clearly not wanting to say those words. Neil gave him a tiny nod and jumped off the table, walking to the tiny bathroom to change from the operation clothes. Andrew didn’t say anything to how Neil clinically analyzed his scars and immediately related them to his first human body, who had been traumatized to Hell and back and didn’t even think to check Andrew’s memories to find out _why_ he looked like that. 

The important thing was that Neil knew trauma, and he clearly knew that some things were better _told_ than _forcibly taken_. It wasn’t disinterest; it was… respectful, and Andrew almost wanted to prod at it so Neil would be as awful as Andrew’s expectations wanted him to be. 

Neil stayed quiet as Andrew reasoned his way through the distrust. Andrew had to disclose all the nitty gritty parts of his childhood abuse so the soul matched to him would be _prepared_. It made sense that it was Neil, who had been the creator of the program for humans and souls relations alongside Kevin, ando who had a lot of experience with traumatized bodies. 

From Neil’s thoughts, Andrew learned that not only was Neil prepared, but Neil had _volunteered._ There were vague reasonings over Kevin and something else, but Andrew didn’t want to pay attention to that, so he didn’t. What mattered in the end was that it made sense that Neil had this amazing control over his thoughts and that he would be the one to end Andrew’s existence. 

_You’re almost putting me in bad guy territory,_ Neil commented to Andrew. _I’m not here to_ destroy _you, Andrew. I’m here to experience your life with you and maybe help you take better care of your body._

A group project. So distastefully lovely. 

_What if I want to be destroyed?,_ Andrew challenged him quietly. 

_If that’s what you really want, then it will happen on its own,_ Neil said and sighed with Andrew’s body. _But even if that’s the case, it won’t be_ me _erasing you. It has to come from you, letting yourself go._

Andrew didn’t reply to Neil. He had been letting himself go for too long, bit by bit. Promises were meaningless, answering people was meaningless, _life_ was meaningless. 

Andrew would be erased, sooner or later. 

He had to be. 

He _needed_ to be. 

* * *

The second thought Andrew had about having someone else in his body was that it felt cluttered now, in a way that Andrew never had let happen before. 

Andrew’s memories were plentiful and could probably fill many storage spaces if they could be stored but, in his head, Andrew had every aspect of them catalogued and organized in a system. He could find any single second of his life, from age two (although those weren’t as _vivid_ , mainly because he hadn’t realized that remembering everything wasn’t the norm) until now, where Andrew and Neil were experiencing things at the same time but Neil would simply not… do anything with the memories. 

The thing was, Andrew’s memories had to be organized, so parts of it could be set apart from the arguably harmless and boring stuff. Neil’s memories on the other hand were a complete mess by comparison. The situation was worse because it wasn’t _just_ Neil’s own memories exactly, but _lifetimes_ of memories. Neil had had more than a single lifetime after all, when he still used the name Scatters Ashes, from being a Fire Taster of the Fire planet. 

Neil had a memory of Kevin being fascinated with questioning him about all the boring aspects of history from other planets. Andrew tried not to seek Kevin in Neil’s memories, and Neil made him the courtesy of not chasing after Andrew’s thoughts when he accidentally got too distracted to stop himself. 

The important thing was, the fact that Neil didn’t remember some things felt alien to Andrew. The fact that Neil didn’t immediately file away interactions or information in a specific space, grouping them chronologically, then by subject and importance felt wrong. Andrew knew that not everybody had an eidetic memory, but it still felt off to see irrefutable proof that other people’s brains work differently. 

It was never too late to learn, but Neil didn’t seem interested in anything other than observe attentively as Andrew busied himself with making sure that the things Neil was making with the body—mainly, taking care of it—had a proper space, and that the memories that Andrew sometimes borrowed from Neil’s mess of a brain could have an attached corner of Andrew’s mind dedicated to them. 

The fascination Neil had with Andrew’s system was eerie, but Andrew didn’t care to make Neil stop being low-key creepy over it. Andrew’s head was already busier than ever, almost uncomfortably full. He didn’t need to add “arguing about the dead-weight roommate” to the list of shit he still had to deal with, especially since technically speaking, Andrew was the dead-weight roommate. 

At least Andrew wouldn’t have to deal with any of this for too much longer. 

Neil’s silence to Andrew’s more depreciative thoughts were loud, even without words. It felt like having an all-seeing eye spotlighting you inside of your own self. The stage suddenly flooded with light while the audience kept itself in the shadows, watchful. Still, it was a silence stately empty of judgment. Not quite the attention of someone observing an experiment, but close to it. 

It sort of reminded Andrew of Bee, wherever she was, since Kevin had yet to find her, or Wymack, Seth and Abby for that matter. 

Neil never stayed silently hyper-focused like that on Andrew for long, though. As soon as Andrew stopped actively wishing for erasure and concentrated on something else, Neil usually found something to either think, monologue, or do with his new body. 

He didn’t ignore Andrew, however. To be honest, Andrew doubted Neil even knew how to quiet his thoughts at other occasions outside of his Silent Vigil over Andrew’s thoughts that he clearly didn’t approve, but also wouldn’t criticize—initially. It was a balancing act, this whole sharing of thoughts and opinions. They had been at this for only a week, so the dance still felt very tentative. 

Andrew could feel that something was gearing up in the lurking edges of their shared future, though. Neil had never stricken Andrew as someone who would be _quiet_ about his opinions. Outside of that, Andrew also wouldn’t put it past the souls to purposefully put the most annoying souls inside hosts’ who wanted to stop existing, just in case they might get annoyed enough to either live or die already. For a split second, Andrew wished rather childishly that he could die sooner than all of them. That he would be one of those cases where the person let go of their body quicker than expected. That Neil would just do something to erase him at last. 

_You’re vilifying me once again,_ Neil commented dispassionately. 

_Shut up and get rid of me, then_. _It can’t be harder than squishing a bug._

Unfortunately, those words had been some code word or something, because Neil _really_ stepped into the annoying act and stayed less and less quiet about what went down in Andrew’s cornered mind. 

Over the following weeks, Andrew had said that Neil could get rid of him enough times that Neil knew it was worthless to protest or try to argue in any way, but he still tried to do it. Andrew never talked back to Neil’s points, just walked through rows and rows of his memories, until Neil’s voice was indistinguishable from the noise and Andrew had a tension migraine from trying to keep only innocuous memories surfacing. 

Unfortunately, memories didn’t work like that and some things would slip through. Unimportant things to _him,_ but clearly a different type of abuse than Neil had dealt with in Nathaniel Wesninski, although Andrew had _told the souls_ about the sexual nature of it (also the anger issues, mental health issues, abandonment issues, violent tendencies… Andrew had to grit his teeth _hard_ while he filled the papers but he didn’t want anything in this process to go _wrong_ ). 

Fortunately, Neil learned to not push Andrew too far with his arguments. He would just say one of his opinions, then throw the familiar barrier up. With time, Andrew started to wonder dispassionately about what he would hear of that mental barrier. Not because he was interested in what went there, because he wasn’t, not really; he just sometimes wondered if Neil relived any of _Andrew’s_ memories received from petty human behavior and if he had any thoughts about it. Andrew just wanted to crack Neil’s barrier open, the same way that Neil could crack _his_ but simply didn’t. 

It took a few weeks for Neil to show him something real that went down in the barrier and how he put it up, which was valuable knowledge for Andrew on _all_ fronts. 

As the dream started, Andrew knew immediately that it wasn’t one of his. Andrew’s childhood was infinitely, inarguably fucked up, in so many fucking ways, but he never had to watch his father chopping up a body in front of him. 

Andrew had known vaguely that Nathaniel Wesninski, the person who had lived in Neil’s body before the invasion, had had a tragically pathetic runaway’s life and a sad backstory to it. The alien invasion just benefited him though, even if he didn’t survive it. Neil sometimes would feel guilty about how Nathaniel just hadn’t come back one day and didn’t come back even if Neil tried his hardest at it. 

Nathaniel had been content with what he had accomplished by working on Neil, though. He had gotten the knowledge that his father had been considered too aggressive and his body had been quietly disposed of. Nathaniel had gotten Neil to promise he would find and protect Andrew’s old teammates, whom Nathaniel had met while on the post-invasion world. 

It was a glimpse into the destiny of people Andrew didn’t particularly care about, especially since it was clear that they hadn’t even been able to keep together with Wymack, Abby and Bee. After Nathaniel had sacrificed himself in order to save all of them—a martyr, which explained a lot… 

Neil’s annoyance at Andrew’s thought was real enough to shake him a little off of the nightmare, but not enough to take them both out of it. With a sigh, Andrew stopped pretending nothing worthless of his attention was happening and had to take a few seconds to fully process what he was seeing because it was… _more_ backstory that Andrew had had no awareness of. 

Andrew’s body might not recognize the setting, but it did recognize the face of Kevin Day, even when young and lacking its usual arrogant blankness. Of course Andrew’s body wouldn’t want to let go of a nightmare, even though it had an unpleasant imagery to accompany the desire to pay attention to Kevin, to his heavy panting because of the unspeakable force of trying to keep his terror inside. 

Andrew would always want to try to save Kevin, always. 

Like cold paint suddenly tipped over Andrew’s head, the nightmare changed and they were suddenly in the dark. Heavy panting going filling the air with enough clues that sight really wasn’t a problem to identify what was going on. 

_Shit,_ Andrew thought, while Neil confusedly tried to deal with the sudden change of nightmare. 

Well. Andrew didn’t know if this should be classified as a nightmare, but it definitely felt torturous. He had fought for weeks to have this memory and others protected by his insignificant mental barrier that were nothing but flimsy vines without a wall to cling to. Of course it would eventually fail. 

Kissing Kevin was enough of a nightmare though, regardless of the context that those memories were relived. As if all of Andrew’s worst dreams could be contained on a pair of lips that made him want to be ruined and hate himself for it. 

_What,_ Neil said groggily. Or maybe numbly?, _is happening?_

Andrew’s hand in the nightmare reached for the bottom of Kevin’s shirt and Neil held his breath when Kevin said, “Andrew” in a low, husky voice. 

Neil looked immeasurably surprised. Andrew would find it mildly amusing, if he hadn’t worked hard to keep this brand of memories as buried as possible. 

So he wouldn’t remember. 

So he wouldn’t yearn. 

So he wouldn’t mourn what he would never have again. 

Kevin had made it clear a long time ago that Andrew wasn’t really in his priorities anymore. 

* * *

Andrew had known that there would be no privacy while sharing a body, even if they tried as hard as they could to respect each other’s spaces. From the beginning, he had planned to make these specific memories private, for as long as he was able to, because it would make the whole process easier to convince himself that _nothing happened_. 

However, it had taken a single fucking moment of weakness for his brain to remember Kevin Day’s face (and touch) and decide to plague him with more memories of it every day. Andrew’s filing system was only as good as Andrew felt stable, and he hadn’t been stable for _a while._

Which explained the annoying current plaguing of his peace of mind. 

Well. _Both_ their peace of mind, actually. 

It happened mostly in dreams. Every time something bloomed in the tiny night garden that was their shared space, Neil would automatically stop and almost visibly take a hit, like someone someone had trampled all over him, vases of flowers knocked over and dirt everywhere. Neil couldn’t even put up a barrier between himself and the memories, because it wasn’t Andrew, it was the body treating what Andrew had had with their shared… acquaintance almost as if it was trauma that Andrew had to go through uninterrupted. 

Andrew would feel sorry for him if he wasn’t focused on trying not to let the memories sway him. Not his decision of giving up his body, obviously; memories would never be enough to do that, but they certainly had a particular cloyingly sweet scent. It made Andrew want to follow them into greener pastures, even though he knew they would lead to nothing but dead fields. 

Unashamedly then, Andrew watched Neil’s reaction to his memories instead of the memories itself playing out. Days, weeks, a month, two months went by, and Neil still couldn’t find a way to separate the perception Nathaniel had of Kevin, the perception Neil himself had had, and now this new side of Kevin. Neil’s blanket of quietness had been nonexistent for months now, because Neil didn’t know how to use that in any other context than against Andrew’s suicidal ideation and his intention of making Andrew be aware of the unhealthy cycle his brain entered. It was unbelievable that Neil simply couldn’t pay attention to Andrew as well. Something would always pull his attention and he would _have_ to watch. 

Fortunately for Neil, Andrew’s memories didn’t have a lot of physical stuff happening that clearly made him not have a great time—it was hard to find time for a fuck when they were always hiding and always too close to Nicky and Aaron—but they weren’t the only ones that Andrew’s brain exploited, and they were _all_ equally well-cared for. 

If Andrew cared about shame, the way those memories were even sharper than normal might make it into the list. As it was, Andrew just delighted himself with Neil’s unpreparedness instead. 

From watching Neil’s mind, Andrew learned that Neil didn’t know how to deal with those memories _because_ they were so well-documented. Vivid. It didn’t help that Nathaniel had never cared for sex but had had a child-like interest in Kevin and that fucking dumb sport. Also didn’t help that Neil also hadn’t been exposed to sex or any kind of relationship on any planet he had been. 

Neil gravitated towards Kevin for many different reasons. 

The new context blindsided Neil not only over his opinion of Kevin—because eventually the promises they made to each other came to surface and, with it, a lot of exposure to Andrew’s character that put things in a new perspective to Neil. That particular moment hadn’t been _fun_ for Andrew, especially since Neil had been unguarded enough to show that he had been angry _for_ Andrew over Kevin’s priority list. It wasn’t what Andrew expected from Neil at all. He thought Neil would have seen the _value_ of Kevin prioritizing the world. 

Neil had felt such a wave of outrage when Andrew’s thoughts had reached him that, for a moment, he had truly made Andrew feel like he would finally be squashed down like a bug but eventually Neil had calmed down and they went back to not talking about it. 

That attention on Neil sort of backfired on Andrew, though, because it meant that he could pinpoint the exact moment that Neil’s reaction to those memories changed. It was gradual, but it still ended up in a place where Andrew didn’t imagine it _would_ : Neil reacting to the memories _himself,_ instead of just being overwhelmed by the emotions the body felt. 

Neil, interested in the development of Andrew and Kevin’s… partnership because he _longed_ for it as well. 

Andrew should have expected it, though. He knew from Neil’s own memories that if Nathaniel didn’t fiercely care about the Foxes, Neil wouldn’t care as well too. It made _sense_ that whoever occupied the body would end up with something germinating inside them, just as the previous occupant had to deal with. Logic dictated that the soul was bound to get confused, trying to separate what was theirs and what wasn’t. 

Andrew noticed that Neil would use a corner of his mind (incredibly tiny, almost unnoticeable) to tend to an image of Kevin’s smile. Not the fake thing Kevin glued to his face, the one Neil had seen in person countless times. The other one, the _real_ one. 

Andrew knew what Neil was going through. He had done the same path after all; noticing the tiny thing trying to grow inside of him and ruthlessly snipping it off, repeatedly, not realizing how long the roots were. How firmly lodged it was in him. 

And now in Neil. 

After a while, watching Neil tried to bury what he felt was old. It was rooted in an idea that Neil seemed to have, that it was _wrong_ to want to have what Andrew and Kevin had, to wish it was truly his, but it wasn’t. They didn’t talk about it, mainly because Andrew wasn’t interested in entertaining this concept of jealousy, or his lack thereof; for Andrew, it was enough of a _relief_ that even when Neil gave his body to someone else, Neil himself would still probably care about Kevin differently. Hopefully, in the same manner that Andrew could watch Neil caring about Kevin now. 

Because Andrew didn’t really have a space in Kevin’s life anymore, not the way Neil still did. When everything went back to normal, maybe Neil might find it valid to make sure Andrew’s promise didn’t die with him. 

Neil watched Andrew’s train of thought but didn’t offer any reassurances. 

Andrew could see into his mind. They didn’t need to voice things they already knew were absolutes. 

* * *

Getting to watch someone else kind of… fall in love with Kevin Day through Andrew’s was a little validating, in the sense that it was something that had happened to Andrew and had been real _enough_ , at the same time that it stained the perception that Andrew had that _of course_ it had ended because it wasn’t important. Andrew _never_ was important. 

Neil always reacted defensively when he noticed Andrew thinking that because he rejected it thoroughly. It didn’t take long for Neil to see it all—alone. Andrew had no interest in being on the journey with him anymore—and concluded that they had solid foundations. They still didn’t talk about it directly at each other, although they heard each other’s about the memories and replied in monologues. It was ridiculous, but neither of them made a single move to change it. 

Not even when Andrew emotionlessly suggested that what they had was under the structure of “two bros helping each other out at the end of the world” was enough to make Neil talk to him—or changed his opinions of the circumstances. To Neil, the only reason he didn’t go straight to Kevin to fix this whole thing was because it breached _too many_ clauses of what they had agreed when Andrew went through with this. 

Also, Andrew didn’t _care_ to fix anything. It was obvious—from the things Kevin and Andrew had promised to each other, things that were supposed to bind them together irrevocably… but simply _didn’t_. That had always happened to Andrew, even when he foolishly tried his hardest to make sure someone _would_ stay. 

The promises were simple in theory, but only in that: Andrew would keep certain dangers away from Kevin, and Kevin would keep trying until he found something that made Andrew want to live a little. 

They held their own sides of the bargain, even during an alien invasion. Andrew’s side of it even held up when they got more… emotionally entangled, learning each other’s silent communication with little effort, naturally, making spoken words unnecessary. 

It worked. 

Until they found other human settlements—some that had _aliens_ in their midst, using that to get easier access to supplies. Until Kevin's famous face was recognized, and Andrew had been asked with a silent hand to step aside from Kevin’s path to keep humans and their stupid fucking ideas away from the safe way of doing things. 

Andrew kept himself away from the other humans, because he distrusted them, but Kevin didn’t. Kevin actively blocked any attempts Andrew made to keep them safe because the humans had ideas. Neil, who at that point still had Nathaniel and had found Dan, Matt, Renee and Allison (Seth apparently lost to the aliens as another sacrifice) _also_ had ideas. Interesting ones. Dangerous ones. 

Kevin became an accidental leader, capable of going on live TV to argue for Humanity’s case. To show, together with Neil’s help, what humans and souls could do _together._ That being the jury, judge and executioner of humanity without allowing humanity to defend itself didn’t make souls any better than the centuries of injustices humans had committed against each other. 

“History is a cycle of events,” Kevin had said in his speech. “We’re all orbiting around the same patterns and it doesn’t matter how hard you fight against it, the pull to follow the pre-made path is strong.” 

Andrew knew Kevin’s speech by memory, although he never let himself relive it. The things Kevin had to say about colonialism, culture, oppression and everything else wasn’t more important than the last conversation they had before that complete mess happened. 

“I won’t be able to protect you there.” Andrew spat the words out. Kevin had just told him he would go through with the plans Andrew had heard some humans quietly discussing and Andrew’s only ability was to spit all the wrong words that he could say, vines holding the important words back. “Do you hear me? I cannot follow you in there and guarantee you will come out alive.” 

“And I’m not asking you to,” Kevin had told Andrew. They watched each other for a long time, and Andrew couldn’t read what Kevin was saying. For the first time, Andrew didn’t know how to speak to him. 

_You asked me to, years ago,_ Andrew tried to say to Kevin in their silent language. _We had a promise._

Kevin didn’t understand a single word of it. 

So Andrew had to watch from the sidelines, parasites crawling all over him to hold him back while they all watched a calm, collected Kevin engage souls in a conscious, _calm_ confrontation. 

Andrew watched from the sidelines, as Kevin got more entangled in places Andrew couldn’t follow—places where Kevin had _told him_ Andrew didn’t need to follow. Andrew had watched everything unfold as if it wasn’t happening to him, because in a sense it wasn’t. He saw souls approaching Kevin, a lot of them seemingly genuine in their agreement with humanity’s case and the ripples all of that caused not only through the soul’s society but also the few humans still around. 

Andrew watched as both sides of a war tried to learn how to work together in a way that would be positive for both of them—even though some souls could not let go of the righteous feeling that humans didn’t deserve Earth. Even though some humans couldn’t stop demanding blood and violence. 

Andrew watched the world try to let go of things and put them aside in order to go onto reparations. 

It hadn’t been surprising to Andrew that he had been one of those things put aside, not only by the world at large, but by his microcosm. Nicky could finally find Erik. Aaron could find his idiotic cheerleader. 

Kevin could find his way into being part of History. Kevin could fill a gap he had by his side with Neil’s presence and help in their shared vision to human and soul’s relations. A void that Kevin hadn’t even _cogitated_ to fill with Andrew. 

It made sense, since Neil’s motivations lined up better with Kevin’s than Andrew’s. Andrew didn’t have any after all, had had none for a long time. He only had childish dreams. 

Of course that, for Andrew, the only path had been the sidelines, the dark edges of this new world. He had never lived and thrived under sunshine for too long before the weather turned on him and destroyed his growth. 

(Neil tried to feel guilty over his role in the whole situation and Andrew just loathed him for it and tried purposefully hard to bury himself like Neil said was what happened when people willingly wanted to stop existing. Guilt, remorse, _regret_ : all useless, all unnecessary. Especially since Andrew truly didn’t care about any of it at all. What had happened, happened. At least Andrew now had finally been dried of all his nutrients, and nothing would grow of him anymore. That was all that mattered to him now that he didn’t go away before Kevin’s memories resurfaced.) 

* * *

Regardless of how mercilessly Andrew’s body and Andrew’s own antagonism affected Neil—pestering him with too much of everything, like pollen in spring—Neil still took good care of Andrew’s body. 

Andrew’s body, for the first time in his entire life, had a _meal plan_ that was being reinforced. All the food that entered it was balanced and healthy. Neil would feel the itch to smoke, but he just ignored it again and again, going out for a run every time it got too bad to deal with. 

Even more horrifying, Neil tried to take care of Andrew as well. It was hard to hide intentions when they shared the same brain, so Andrew couldn’t chalk up Neil’s attitude to simply guilt; unfortunately, Neil was just as sincere as his insistence on arguing against Andrew’s erasure. Neil, for some fucked up reason, seemed to _like_ having Andrew around. Neil had taken care of other hosts for brief periods of time but, judging by the lack of strong traces of them in Neil, they weren’t nearly as impactful as Nathaniel. They didn’t make Neil miss them as much as he seemed to miss Nathaniel. 

However, Neil seemed steadfast on his belief that Andrew would stick around him if Neil failed—because, by that point, Neil just couldn’t hide anymore that he didn’t want to use what he knew about human psychology to help guide Andrew towards a path where he challenged his own biases, so he would want to reach a stable point _for himself._

It was tiring just to witness. Andrew didn’t care to elaborate his point though, especially since Neil couldn’t see that the only thing poisoning Andrew’s body was Andrew himself. 

Neil tightened his grip around the electric kettle at the same time that he sighed, frustrated. _I don’t think you have the best perspective about yourself, Andrew... I’ve already told you and I can say it how many times you need to hear it: you are not a poison for your body._

_But my thoughts certainly are a poison to my brain, which controls my body, so at this point this is just a case of petty semantics._ Andrew visualized a careless, emotionless shrug _. I can’t see how anyone can argue I’d be doing anything good with this body by remaining here. My body might have some worth, but_ I _arguably don’t._

_Is there anything that might be able to make you see you have worth?_ Neil asked, and they both threw on the best shields they could make, even if it felt like it was nothing but a transparent shower curtain. A flash of a deep voice, the glint of green eyes, and Neil forcefully brought them back to present _. Because you do, Andrew. You are insightful and—_

_Cut off the niceties, I have no interest in being pampered in compliments._ They were quiet for a moment while Neil finished pouring water in the snappiest way Andrew had ever seen. Neil’s frustration felt out of place, mostly because Neil always felt off-quilter whenever Kevin just sprung up in his forefront. The sheer mess of feelings Neil had over Kevin didn’t distract him enough to leave this alone, sadly. So Andrew said, _There has been nothing that made my life truly worth something for me._

They both ignored how Andrew’s brain immediately travelled through dozens of memories from the last few years, when Andrew had a family to cultivate filial piety in the only sense he knew how: fierce protectiveness, burying a sapling in whatever crevice he could find in himself and letting it grow on him, as close to him as he could clutch them. So they wouldn’t go away as he fed the growth with everything he had to give and more. _Why should my life have worth for me, personally?_

_Because it’s yours. Because if you have a life, you have choices, opportunities—_

_Look at my brain,_ Neil, Andrew cut him off, tired. _Do I live for the future?_

_Yes,_ Neil retorted immediately. _Of_ others _. You made sure everyone had a place to thrive and survive, everyone but you. You deserve a place to grow too, Andrew._

Andrew thought about making a height joke, but it would fall flat from him, like everything always did. This debate would take them nowhere. Andrew had never learned how to grow. Had nowhere and nothing to aid in growing. There were only dying roots under him, memories feeding off of his body while Andrew killed himself in order to make sure his promises were kept. 

Not even promises mattered anymore. 

_Of course they d—_

Neil’s train of thought got interrupted by the innocent ringing of the doorbell, going off twice before it let silence reign again. 

It wasn’t unusual for a soul to ring a door, but it was still unusual for Andrew to think that anyone would want to ring his doorbell, even though it wasn’t technically his anymore. Souls rang doorbells for an assortment of reasons, most of them mind-boggling to Andrew. Some even just… barged in without waiting for any kind of acknowledgement. 

At least this particular soul wasn’t one of those, Andrew thought to himself as Neil abandoned his hot mug of tea, still steeping, and went to answer the door. 

Neil had tiny muscles in Andrew’s face engaged, so he wouldn’t look completely dead to whoever was on the other side. It was basically useless, but Neil always tried to change Andrew into something he wasn— 

Andrew’s thoughts came to a halt when he recognized the face. It wasn’t like he had forgotten—on the contrary; he had been seeing it frequently in the last months, an unscheduled nuisance. Neil had also immediately stopped thinking and was frozen in his tracks. 

The only person who hadn’t noticed anything was wrong was Kevin himself, who simply gave Andrew a contrite smile. 

“Andrew,” Kevin said while Neil held the door open as if it was the last true solid thing in his world. “I need your h—” 

And that was as far and Kevin was able to go until he inspected Andrew’s face, finally, and his voice got visibly stuck in his throat. Andrew and Neil watched as Kevin’s mouth hung open, going through many stages of emotion until it settled on what Andrew could only assume was a mixture of incredulity and grief. 

“—help,” Kevin finished in a rough, seedy voice. The artificial lights of Andrew’s corridor shone on Andrew’s eyes too glaringly for it to go unnoticed for long, bringing the ring of light that signified he was a host with a soul. Undeniable proof at that, but it still looked as if Kevin was ready to deny it with all of his being. 

Andrew sighed in his head as Neil stepped aside, leaving the doorway open for Kevin, even though Kevin had yet to stop staring at them. At their eyes. 

“Hello, Kevin,” Neil said meekly after a forever silence. “Would you like to come in?” 

Kevin made a tiny sound with his next intake of breath and crumpled to the ground, knees thumping painfully hard on the hardwood floors as he stared up at Neil, who had immediately moved to anchor Kevin in any way. A move that Andrew wouldn’t have done himself, not really, because when Kevin Day wanted to be dramatic, it was best to just let him do it. 

A single solitary tear fell as Kevin kept watching their faces. 

_Well,_ Andrew said to himself, watching as Kevin’s face tried hard not to crumple any more than it already had, which still wasn’t nowhere near enough to mask the clear parched soil that currently seemed to make up Kevin’s skin. _Shit._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  happy birthday Kevin Day, sorry about the pain? lmao  
>   
> I have some important links to throw here, but firstly: MIND THE TAGS. There is a slightly graphic sex scene. If you don't want to read it, skip the first three paragraphs after they go to the bed together.  
>   
> A lot happened in the _month_ since I posted it. First, monstermetaphor made a [playlist on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0hZXWMRZZOKdfiYriWnzU3?si=lX7aVYS6Rg6_Kp3AW-Rkgg&nd=1) for this fic! It has so many bangers and I was very 🥺 over how sweet this was!  
>   
> I also received some asks on tumblr. Someone wanted to know [what was my old outline for this fic](https://polzkadotz.tumblr.com/post/640350601255993344/i-read-you-saying-that-your-first-draft-of-the), [how the program works and why Kevin didn't notice Andrew in it](https://polzkadotz.tumblr.com/post/640324766757158912/hi-i-loved-the-first-part-of-your-host-au-so-much), and lastly [how old the characters are](https://polzkadotz.tumblr.com/post/641895578912063488/hi-i-was-wondering-somethings-about-the-timeline)!  
>   
> That's all I had to say! Hope you have fun reading <3 If I forgot to tag something, please tell me!  
>   
> btw many, many thanks to [eli](http://archiveofourown.org/users/poetic_ivy) and [kay](http://archiveofourown.org/users/ihaveacleverfandomurl) for betaing, kay especially since this was THEIR GIFT AAAAAAAA  
> 

Trembling like a leaf, Kevin didn’t seem to have the energy to get up on his own where he had fallen on his knees at the door. Neil was still halfway crouched near him, unsure if he should go all the way down. His arm, however, was still steady between them. 

If Andrew had been feeling crueler, he would have found Neil’s internal dialogue descending into panic a little _funny_ or something, but Andrew currently had _Shit_ echoing in his mind as he looked down, so he was a little _too_ busy to be that unpleasant. 

Andrew didn't know what to do with Kevin back—unannounced, which was unusual. Heʼd been glad that Kevin had avoided coming to him for such a long time. Andrew had accepted that would probably be his reality for a little longer, since Kevin had kept his usual level of busy. 

Maybe it had been stupid of him. Of course, Kevin would eventually come. It wasn’t even a matter of too little faith in Kevin’s interest in Andrew and keeping up with his life, or the desire to keep up their deals; Andrew suspected that Kevin probably didn’t remember much about them. Not after so long of not mentioning anything about finding something that would keep Andrew alive. 

However, Andrew should have known better. Like Kevin had said, he “needed help.” 

Kevin would always come back if he needed help from Andrew. 

A spark of _something_ threatened to set Neil’s space in their head ablaze like a wildfire, but Neil used the energy it generated to pull his arm back, even if it was slow. It took Andrew an embarrassingly long time to realize that the spark had been _anger_. Neil was guarding his thoughts behind his little reserved space, so Andrew only knew that somethinghad made him angry at Kevin. 

Still, Neil extended a hand to Kevin after standing upright. Kevin, still trembling, only looked at the hand as his seaweed eyes swam counter-current against the tears. 

“Come,” Neil said patiently, even though Andrew knew he wasn’t feeling patient at all. 

Kevin eventually accepted Neil’s help, looking lost. The look only got more pronounced as he unsteadily made his way to the living room, eyeing every corner of it. Andrew could only assume that he was looking for clues as to how this would’ve happened. Probably comparing his memories of Andrew’s apartment from months ago to what it looked like now—which was, _the same_. Nothing had changed, physically. However, Kevin should have learned a long time ago that Andrew tried his best to orchestrate his plans so no clues would be left behind. 

Just from looking at Kevin, Andrew knew he didn’t know that. He just seemed stuck on the fact that there was a soul in Andrew’s body. 

_Which is understandable_ , Neil told Andrew, as neutrally as he could. 

_You were angry at him just a moment ago_. 

_Doesn’t mean I can’t see how seeing you like this might be upsetting for him_ , Neil said, still in trying for that neutral tone, although Andrew could feel the rumblings underneath it. The earthquake never came unannounced. 

Kevin practically threw himself on Andrew’s couch, following Neil dazedly with his eyes. Neil walked to Andrew’s black armchair, trying to control his anger, the unexpected reality that he himself would have to come to terms with his new perception of Kevin sooner rather than later. 

Andrew, however, simply watched the emotional journey Kevin was still going through without bothering to even check his own feelings—especially since, right then, Kevin seemed to be trying to root himself to the couch by basically clawing the upholstery. Kevin’s fingers were shaking badly. 

_How much do you want me to tell him?_ Neil asked. 

_However much you want to_ , Andrew said and, for the first time, he choked on his “I don’t care.” 

Andrew didn’t think he _cared_ how much Neil told Kevin about what had happened. He was in peace with his decision, still believed this was the best thing he could have done for himself, but Andrew _hated_ how much more alert he had become after just _seeing_ Kevin again after so many months. Hated how he didn’t have privacy for this moment, even if it was the consequence of his choices. 

Hated how much he still cared about that man, even when he didn’t care at all about himself. 

It wasn't surprising that Kevin was shaking, and it wasn’t surprising that Andrew could recognize the panic growing inside of Kevin all too well. What was surprising was that Andrew, suddenly, found a burst of energy trying to pierce his tiredness—ice dams falling from high-up inside of Andrew. 

_If everything had gone according to the plan, I wouldn’t even be here,_ Andrew seethed but it was empty of true anger. Andrew didn’t even expect Neil to argue like he’d been prone to recently; Neil wouldn’t have the energy to argue against both Andrew and Kevin. 

And that would happen, as soon as Kevin could take a deep enough breath. Both Neil and Andrew knew that the questioning would probably be extensive and neither of them had exactly prepared for this situation. 

They braced themselves for it to turn south, although for different reasons. Andrew because he never expected he would be here to witness this, and Neil because he knew this could change the course of _everything._

“What… How long ago did this happen?” was the first thing Kevin asked, voice heavy with repressing the many things he truly wanted to ask, but clearly wasn’t ready to hear yet. 

“Andrew started to plan this a little before the New Year,” Neil said, in a low voice. 

Kevin stared. They had spoken only once in December through a call. Kevin knew the holidays weren’t exactly a happy season for Andrew, who wouldn’t pick up anyone's calls, nor participate in any parties. Too many of Andrew's bad memories were around Christmas—because it was, after all, a time for family. 

Neil, unaware of Kevin’s shock, kept going. “It took a while for everything to be accepted, but I was put in him… three months ago? Four months? Something like that.” 

“And who even are you?” Kevin asked. There was so much anger and _resentment_ in his voice that it froze and killed the bland words Neil had been planning to say. How could Neil care about reminding Kevin that the program protected the souls' identity when Kevin was looking at him like he didn’t matter? 

Andrew could understand Neil’s shock, a little. From what Andrew had seen in Neil’s memories, Kevin had never really shown the entire range of himself—to Neil or the world at large. At his heart, Kevin was a judgemental bitch. He was obsessed with being the best and threw out his sentences for other people as if he was responsible to make humanity rise to his standards. 

Kevin was clearly just looking at Andrew and trying to bring himself back by making it clear how much he disapproved of Neil as a _whole_. 

_I haven’t done anything_ , Neil said, dismayed. It wasn’t directed at Andrew at all, but he still felt like he needed to reply. 

_No, but Kevin never really wants to stop and criticize himself and his actions if he can criticize someone else’s,_ Andrew told Neil, quietly. _Besides, you’re not_ me. _In a juvenile way, Kevin’s first reaction will probably be to make you feel as inadequate as possible._

Neil closed his mouth, even though it had been hanging open for a long time. Kevin squinted at him, but didn’t say anything as he waited for an answer. 

Neil just clenched his jaw and went back to being angry at Kevin as he breathed hard. Andrew should have seen it coming. Of _course_ Neil’s reaction to being judged as if he was a stranger would be to want recognition. 

“It’s Neil, Kevin,” he said, voice still low but strong. Daring. 

It was Kevin’s turn to have his mouth hanging open while his face went through a new emotional journey to reflect what was going on inside his brain. Unexpectedly, Kevin’s face settled on _rage_. 

“I should have expected this kind of shit from _you_ , you fucking parasite,” Kevin spat out and then he went off. Andrew didn’t bother paying attention to every single word out of his mouth, dropping to the ground like spoiled fruits. He was too confused about that. 

Kevin wasn’t known to explode like that. Andrew went through his memories and couldn’t remember one single time seeing him like this. Kevin was judgmental, and always told his friends when he thought what they were doing was wrong, but it was never like… this. Never in such a volatile way, destructive. 

As if he didn’t care at all about keeping Neil in his life. 

As if Neil was proving him wrong. 

It didn’t help that Kevin was using _Andrew’s_ arguments. He was saying in as many different ways as he could that Neil’s motivations were never about making humans and aliens live in harmony, but actually to draw humans out of their hiding spots to occupy them “without bothering with consent.” The bones for that conspiracy theory had come from Andrew years ago, when he’d seen them becoming… friendly? Colleagues? Comrades? Something like that. 

Which… First of all, be more original, Kevin, frankly. 

Secondly, if the aliens wanted to completely extinguish humanity, they wouldn’t need an elaborate counter-coup situation or whatever it was that Kevin had constructed in his mind in a few seconds. They had already won. If they cared a little less about not being violent, they would have already made Humanity stop existing. 

It didn’t make sense, but as Kevin kept spouting about his complex conspiracy theory that came from deep within his madness well, Andrew began to think that it wasn’t supposed to. Kevin’s hands were still shaking, but his eyes had a glint that was getting brighter and brighter the longer he went without getting any reaction from Neil. 

Neil wasn’t unaffected. Surprisingly, he didn’t seem hurt at Kevin’s unfounded accusations. What he felt was a rumbling deep anger _for Andrew,_ entrenched with righteousness about how Kevin’s first words at the door had been “I need your help”. Indignation at how quickly Kevin had buried his grief to try to blame someone else for this situation. 

Anger at how Kevin hadn’t asked about Andrew at all, seemingly not even caring about what they had together before going on with… _this_. 

However, despite all of that (and his obviously breaking heart), Neil thought that Kevin was, above it all, being pathetic beyond belief. It was such a petty, human reaction that Andrew almost wanted to applaud him. 

Andrew was still lost on how they had gotten to this point, even though he had been there. Kevin was still going strong, while Neil didn’t say anything or expressed anything. He could feel the body trying to develop a tension migraine and he sighed. 

(At the same time, both Andrew and Neil ignored the other thing the body was reacting to. It wasn’t all dignifying to live in a vessel that didn’t seem to understand that they were currently being despised and criticized and judged. Without any hint of shame, the body just wanted to rebel against the stillness that Neil was enforcing and just get as close as possible to Kevin. Warm itself up on the wild, burning anger. Escalate the situation in whatever ways it could, just so it could be touched, feeding the skin hunger that had been devouring the body for so long. It was, in Andrew’s opinion, much more pathetic than whatever Kevin had going on.) 

Andrew sighed harder from his little corner as he felt Neil adjust their position on the armchair, and wished once more that he could just disappear already. 

Kevin seemed to be getting tired of not getting a reaction and got up abruptly from the couch. He only took two steps towards Neil before stopping in his tracks as he looked down at them. It was clear that, although Neil had tried not to make it obvious, the sudden movement had startled and made his hackles rise. Kevin probably recognized Andrew’s… traumas in the reaction. He never saw Andrew react so visibly—Andrew would have never allowed himself to—but Kevin wasn’t that dumb. 

Andrew didn’t understand why that was what made Kevin shut up, but he didn’t have to wait for long. 

“Is Andrew…” Kevin began to ask and both Andrew and Neil froze again, the anger being buried disorientedly quick and being replaced with wary anticipation. The body had other priorities though, wanting to turn towards Kevin just like a sunflower would do to the sun. Basking in the attention, feeding the skin. “Can you… tell me? About him, about how he is? That’s not against the agreement, is it? Or, _fuck_ , is it—” 

_Too late,_ Kevin’s face said, even though he refused to utter the words out loud. 

Neil blinked a couple of times at Kevin, still reeling at Kevin’s sudden change of emotions. Andrew had seen Neil watching some of Andrew’s memories, the ones that showed how unstable Kevin had been years ago, in the depth of his fear. Neil swept them under the rug of time, clearly believing Kevin was different now that he was older and not really experiencing the dread of the Apocalypse. 

The shock and dissonance that Neil was experiencing were of his own making. The more he looked at Kevin’s face though, the more he reasoned that maybe this was how he grieved. Kevin seemed to get more and more worried as the silence stretched between them and Neil held his own breath, watching. 

He had known this conversation would change a lot. 

One thing it didn’t change was that Andrew was Neil’s priority. 

However, Andrew noticed with a terrible sinking feeling, Neil’s thoughts were gearing towards considering their future. Which would be better: hold onto his disdain and anger from Kevin’s fucked up priorities, or consider that Kevin’s presence in Andrew’s life might help mitigate some of Andrew’s beliefs? 

Andrew watched, with horror, as Neil swallowed everything that Kevin had just accused him of in order to prioritize _Andrew’s recovery._

_Tell him I’m not here anymore_ , Andrew said urgently. 

_Why the fuck would I do that?_ Neil replied, shocked and a little put off at how _mean_ it was. Andrew wanted to shake him. 

_It will be easier for him to have his breakdown now, instead of building up hope and breaking down even worse later._ Andrew’s argument was solid, and he knew it. Kevin wouldn’t react well to learning that Andrew wasn’t around anymore, but it wouldn’t compare at all to what his reaction would be when it happened later. Kevin didn’t take well to failure. 

Neil heard all that, but he didn’t seem _convinced_. Andrew could only feel dread welling up in him. _You told me I could tell him however much I wanted to._

And before Andrew could yell at him, Neil said, “Andrew said to tell you that he’s not here anymore.” 

Andrew could only growl in frustration from the inside—not at Neil, because. Andrew had said that. Maybe Neil would think upon this moment later and regret it profoundly. 

Not right then, though. Neil was watching Kevin’s face bloom into a smile—his real one, not the fake thing Kevin had been showing the world on TV and in person (and Neil, as well) for years. 

Andrew knew that Neil was still angry at Kevin for many things. But just seeing him smile like that in front of him seemed to be enough to polish the edges of his anger a bit. Andrew knew what that felt like, to just… bring a ray of happiness to a hopeless situation. 

He also knew it would never end well. 

In the following weeks, Kevin coming to Andrew’s apartment ended up becoming a common occurrence. 

It was ironic, almost funny if you had all the facts. Andrew almost wished he could scoff at Kevin after that first fight—after Kevin had opened up his heart about Neil and what he thought of him, but had also seemed grateful for Neil’s quiet rebellion against Andrew. 

Mostly, Andrew’s scorn came from… well. Too little, too late, or something. However, Neil was the one technically in charge of all the scoffing, and that seemed to be the last thing Neil wanted to do, even though he had never received any kind of apology from Kevin for his behavior. 

Andrew didn’t understand _why_ Neil even permitted Kevin around. Neil had been guarding some secret in his mind with all his might, but Andrew couldn’t understand how Neil could deliberately toss aside whatever resentment he could cultivate about Kevin’s accusations, deciding to work towards _coming to terms_ with what Kevin thought of him. 

To Neil, it didn’t matter if what Kevin said had been stimulated by anger or if those were truly Kevin’s opinions of Neil. Neil still admired Kevin, even though he was still hurt. He still had the _other_ feelings that went mostly unaddressed, especially now. 

Kevin didn’t seem to be on good terms with Neil as well. Andrew could see the aftereffects of Kevin's post-breakdown, but he wasn’t being vulnerable in front of them, clearly distrustful of Neil. 

Despite all that, Neil did his best to maintain a certain level of _normalcy_ between Kevin and himself. 

“What did you need help with?” Neil asked once, just once. 

Kevin stared at Neil for a little while, then said, “Nothing important,” and Neil was angry all over again—until he hid all of it behind his walls from both Andrew and Kevin. 

Andrew tried to take a peek at what went behind those walls, truly curious for the first time in a long while, but Neil immediately turned to Kevin and began to drill him—which was, unfortunately, what made Neil and Kevin realize that they could use this opportunity to work around their current common denominator: Andrew. 

They never agreed out-loud that they would go hard when talking about the past. It was just where the new combative nature of their relationship led the conversation to when they were on their own. 

Neil was, admittedly, the one who instigated it more often, but Kevin did his fair share of it. They talked about the beginning—before the aliens. Kevin’s visit to Andrew with Riko, to offer a spot on the Ravens’. The night when Kevin appeared for the first on the Foxes’ training center—hurt, panicked, and grieving the end of his career. Kevin during those first few months, when he annoyed Andrew to the point of threatening more than once to break his bones—fingers, hands, arms—so Kevin would fucking leave him alone. 

Their first deals. 

What they had gone through, what they had survived basically—before the end of the world, during and after. 

It was apparent that the depth of their conversation didn’t wipe the slate clean between them, but it seemed to help Kevin process this Neil reality and gave Neil even more perspective on what the fuck had happened. 

Neil made sure to never speak for Andrew, but he had his memories. He had input for each thing that Kevin remembered, but he mostly used it to try to understand what had happened—how Kevin hadn’t realized that he had been putting distance between them. 

Neil told Kevin about how he’d have never thought that Andrew had had a large role in Kevin’s life, because Kevin kept Andrew apart from everything he spoke about—even though Neil now could see Andrew’s influence in the way Kevin had negotiated for deals, the way he knew how to gauge people’s prices. 

“I thought he wanted the world back to normal,” Kevin said to that. 

“Did you ask him?” 

“I—No.” 

Neil also clearly wanted to question Kevin about _how_ he could have let Andrew believe he was so much lower on his priority list than other things and people. How he could have disregarded all that they had been for such a long time. 

Neil would have understood it if it had just been at the beginning, after their plan had happened. Kevin and Andrew had already started to drift apart there, but they weren’t _too_ far from each other. They could have found a place to meet in the middle. 

It took more than a year of planning for Neil and Kevin to storm into a live TV studio. Another year or so for Andrew to go find the program and offer to be a host. An additional five, almost six months for Neil to be placed inside of Andrew, then another four months since Neil had been here, living with Andrew. 

That was too long, in Neil’s opinion. 

That was too _meaningful_ to Neil, in a bad way. 

Although he had wanted to say that, badly, Neil never voiced those kinds of questions to Kevin. It wouldn’t help his current agenda of clarifying where Kevin stood with their situation and what he was willing to do to help. Exploring what had happened gave all of them more to consider, but those answers wouldn’t be that helpful. 

They left spaces where Andrew could insert his opinion in their conversations. They never asked them directly, because Andrew had stopped replying to Neil as much as he could. Andrew couldn’t exactly _stop_ himself from thinking in general, but he didn’t need to address Neil or Kevin’s obsession with the past. Andrew didn’t see the point in drilling about it, and had stopped being civil and pretending he cared. 

Neil wanted to talk about whatever he thought they needed to, and that was fine. He wanted to question Kevin about whatever was willing to do, which was also fine. 

Andrew would do his fucking best to not be there, though. Daily, as soon as the doorbell went off, Andrew would bury himself in the worst of his memories until he was too overwhelmed, numb and quiet to pay attention to whatever Kevin and Neil had going on. 

Neil gritted his teeth but didn’t force him to do _anything_ —didn’t stop Andrew from making their mind a minefield that Andrew was willingly stepping in, didn’t stop him from ignoring them. Didn’t force him out of the numbness. 

There was no way that Neil could mask the worry, though. It became easier and easier for Andrew to just… take himself out for the count. The conversations clearly had a purpose for Neil—and it seemed to help Kevin, although he cried an awful lot whenever he realized that he had spent _too long_ thinking that they were vital to their program, when now, weeks later, it was still thriving without him and Neil. They were still finding humans, and they were still finding people willing to host new souls, or just people who agreed to come back to society. 

Andrew hated that he cared about Kevin’s hurt, but he hated even more how much they kept going on about how to help. How to fix their mistakes with Andrew. 

How to make it all go back to how it was before. 

They didn’t seem to understand that a world exactly like before was unattainable. 

Andrew was so tired. He just wanted a rest—from himself, from all of it—and be _allowed_ to do it because it was his choice. 

Maybe this situation was why he never told Kevin about the decision. Andrew didn’t want to force Kevin to find reasons to stay near Andrew—or worse, find reasons to make Andrew stay. Trying to make people stay in his life forcefully, from Andrew’s past experiences, never meant they actually would stay forever. 

There wasn’t a way to make people stay forever. Andrew just didn’t know how to make Neil and Kevin understand that. 

Couldn’t they see how dangerous it was to force Andrew to keep himself around? Andrew would grow nasty because there was a switch in the back of his brain that flipped when he got to a certain point. It could turn Andrew into a territorialist creature that would hunt every single person who was _Andrew’s_ and make them stay in his life this time. With new promises, using the enforcement of old ones, _anything_. 

Anything that would give Andrew control and a chance of being _wanted_. 

Andrew didn’t want to stay and see himself destroying everything like that. Letting go was the only way for him to be at peace. 

Andrew had let himself go a long time ago. Kevin and Neil would have to learn to do that at some point. 

Neil simply observed Andrew’s thoughts, keeping his introspective behind his walls. Andrew didn’t want to investigate, although he felt like _nothing good_ would come out of that. 

What mattered to Andrew, and scared Neil, was that _nothing_ changed. 

Andrew felt a sparkle of interest at having Kevin around. He would’ve preferred if Kevin hadn’t come around, hadn’t found out, but it didn’t _change_ how Andrew felt. Kevin seemed like he cared, a little, but they still weren’t together. Andrew still couldn’t go outside without thinking like he couldn’t trust anyone because of the unending, fake kindness that every single citizen displayed. 

Not even the safety that Neil was different, the reassurance that Neil tried to give Andrew helped. Besides, Andrew still wanted to be erased, now more than ever, because he could see that everything would be fine. Kevin would work through stuff and, even though Andrew didn’t want to watch it, he knew would be fine. 

Everybody would still be better, safer without Andrew around. Before he snapped. 

The Mind Healer appointed to deal with them was absolutely _nothing_ like Bee—and, therefore, nowhere near effective in making Andrew feel a _sliver_ of trust in him. It certainly didn’t help that it was a man and that he had a soul in him. 

The fact that Neil trusted the man was the only reason Andrew didn’t tell him to stop coming. It helped Neil to come here and talk about things that had happened—especially since Andrew _technically_ had an unhealthy brain that _could_ affect Neil. 

So since Neil had been put in Andrew, they had an appointment scheduled. In the beginning, it had been twice a week. As time progressed, it had been downgraded to once a month. Mostly an agreement made between the Mind Healer and Neil, because Andrew “kept being resistant to the treatment” and rarely gave his two cents on anything that happened. 

It wasn’t like Andrew had entered this _wanting_ to be treated, though, so those expectations were their own fault and theirs to deal with. 

However, this was the first session where Andrew felt an inkling of curiosity over what would happen. Not anywhere as strong as he had felt in a while over anything, that was for sure. Andrew probably should have been worried about the apathy—except it felt _good_ to not feel much. It felt good to quiet down the noise in his head to levels he hadn’t experienced in a long time. 

The Mind Healer started this session as was his usual: How were THEY feeling, did they NEED to talk about anything? The emphasis on certain words and the expectant gaze grated Andrew the wrong way, as always, but more muted. Andrew couldn’t care about how much the Mind Healer wanted to hear Andrew talk and how he had tried for weeks to get that to happen because he didn’t care about anything. 

“Kevin appeared in Andrew’s apartment recently,” Neil told the Mind Healer, lacing his fingers together and squeezing them hard. A bouquet of rosy fingertips, that quickly turned colors like a cheap magic trick. The Mind Healer had jumped to attention at Kevin’s name and watched Neil’s fingers for a long time until, reluctantly, Neil eased up on the pressure. “It was… overwhelming.” 

“I can imagine,” the Mind Healer said, with gentle eyes. “He didn’t know that Andrew had offered his body to the program, did he?” 

“No,” Neil said with a sigh. It was unnecessary. They had gone over how Andrew hadn’t told anyone in his life forever ago. “He accused me of purposefully doing some kind of long-con so the occupation could finish. Pretend to work with humans for a while, make them trust us, and snatch their bodies as they came out from hiding.” 

“I mean… It’s a plausible proposition.” 

“Untrue,” Neil argued. “We are not in the business of manipulation.” 

“No, we’re not,” the Mind Healer agreed. “But the humans are, and they must expect that kind of behavior from others, probably. How did you feel about it?” 

Neil was quiet for a long time as he finally allowed himself to think over it. “I don’t care what he thinks,” he lied, much better than Andrew could have ever expected him to. Neil rolled his eyes at what he could hear of Andrew’s thoughts, but kept going. “It didn’t feel good, obviously, but he was… trying to deal with the situation in the only way he knows how. I understand that.” 

_Diplomatic_ , Andrew said, and only realized what had happened when Neil had been inundated by triumph. 

The Mind Healer didn’t notice the exchange happening, though. “I see… and what does Andrew think about all of it?” 

“Andrew told me I could tell Kevin however much I wanted to, and then he started to ignore me. But… I don’t think that’s fair to Andrew—and also Kevin, to some extent.” 

“So you don’t do it?” 

“I try not to speak for him.” Neil shrugged and the Mind Healer hummed in agreement. Andrew knew the Mind Healer had been around _before_ Neil and Kevin’s little scheme, but their host had been gone for too long to be brought back when he tried. But he was one of the Mind Healers from Neil’s part of the program, so he understood how it operated. _Hosts still had opinions and boundaries that should not be crossed by the Soul._ “However… I can’t help but think that Kevin deserves a goodbye. If...” 

Neil paused and clearly didn’t want to finish the sentence. Andrew huffed from inside. Of course Neil would hesitate by saying “If” and thinking about their future. Souls were naturally inclined to expect the best out of every situation, but Neil had been less of a soul and something completely new the more he worked with different humans. Neil’s involvement in the program was also bound to make him less prone to believing that everything would be fine, just because he wanted it to be. 

Neil scowled and the Mind Healer raised an eyebrow. He never asked about their internal dialogues, but he always made Neil realize when he was getting lost in their shared emotions and clash of opinions. “When the future comes, I want to help everyone involved into finding _some_ kind of peace. If that’s through closure, then…” 

“And what does Andrew think about the future?” 

Neil gave the Mind Healer a look that spoke volumes. 

The Mind Healer nodded, thoughtfully but clarified, “I meant about all of it, including what you have been thinking.” 

The Mind Healer seemed to be expecting silence. It was almost funny the way he snapped to attention when he noticed how focused Neil was on the inside. Neil himself was surprised to have gotten anything, but Andrew could lift his silence to poke at him a little. 

The Mind Healer had adjusted himself in his chair when Neil opened his mouth, unaware of what was going on inside of Neil’s mind. 

“Andrew says,” Neil said, and the Mind Healer immediately frowned at Neil’s exasperated voice. “That saving the future of humanity clearly wasn’t enough. For both of us.” 

“Oh,” the Mind Healer wrote something down and Andrew wanted to grit his teeth at the sound of the graphite scratching the paper. “Do you think he’s right, Neil?” 

“I don’t,” Neil said, in a low voice. “Because I don’t think about lives and who deserves to live the same way he does. Andrew doesn’t really know how much he’s appreciated, just for being him.” 

“Well, finding value in ourselves is difficult when we’re struggling,” The Mind Healer said, diplomatically. 

Neil nodded. “Doesn’t mean we should just ignore when other people tell us what they appreciate in us.” 

The Mind Healer hummed. “I will give you some homework about learning your self-worth, then.” 

Neil didn’t bother to reply, because he knew that Andrew would only do what Andrew wanted to do. Neil didn’t approve of Andrew being stubbornly stuck on being erased, but he wouldn’t _force_ Andrew to do any exercises. It wasn’t what Andrew had signed up for, after all, and the program didn’t do forced hospitalizations. 

Unfortunately, the same was also true for Neil, to a certain extent. He would also do whatever he wanted to, and try his hardest without infringing on Andrew’s boundaries. 

Neil didn’t say or think about it while Andrew was aware of it—or maybe he did, behind the curtains that Andrew had no access to—but from then on, the conversations when Kevin was around were emotionally dialed down. 

It was sudden enough that even Kevin noticed it. He seemed like he wanted to question Neil about it, but didn’t know _how_. Andrew could almost sense that his fear might be related to Andrew, but Kevin didn’t ask about that. 

Instead, Neil took the following day of their session at the Mind Healer to question Kevin about how his side of the program had been. 

It was eye-opening to Andrew. He had kind of known it, but hadn’t really fully realized how _little_ Neil and Kevin actually interacted in their day-to-day life. Andrew had seen it in Neil’s memories, but they were so _sparse_ when compared to Andrew’s that he’d just… assumed Neil had forgotten things. Or was purposefully hiding them, for some unknown reason that Andrew didn’t care to investigate. 

The reality of the matter was that they were on completely different sides of the program’s functions. Kevin was more field-oriented than Neil—which made sense. Kevin’s responsibility was to go out and find humans’ settlements (the responsibility that happened almost immediately after that was to try to stop the humans from killing him, the souls that went on missions with Kevin _or_ themselves). Another one of his responsibilities was to speak with leaders of other countries to convince them to create their own programs. Souls didn’t really care about the arbitrary borders that were important to humans, but they had their own system in place. Kevin hadn’t had trouble yet convincing them to create their own version of the program, with local celebrities that could be brought back and used as their poster children. 

It was... too normal. 

On one of those early days, Kevin tried just once to steer the conversation to more emotional waters. 

“I can’t believe how fucking stupid I was for believing that I was a _vital_ overseer of the program,” Kevin said, and clenched his jaw hard enough that Neil silently worried for his teeth. “It’s been weeks of my team just giving me updates and everything is fine without me. What a fucking joke.” 

“I mean… you liked overseeing things, didn’t you?” Neil argued, going to the fridge and getting an already open can of peaches to eat. “You also plan methodically and like to be successful. It makes sense that you’d want to be there and make sure that everything was going as best as it could.” 

_You have no place in the Ravens_ , _if you’re not willing to be the best,_ Kevin had told Andrew so fucking long ago. A lifetime ago. 

_What a hypocrite_ , Andrew had replied, wanting to smile and smile and smile. _Considering you’ve built an entire career around being second best._

“But I could have been somewhere more important,” Kevin retorted, gesturing largely to the room. “I wasn’t necessary there, but…” 

_I was needed somewhere else_ , Kevin didn’t complete it, but his anguished face made it obvious he was thinking it. 

“If you’re talking about Andrew,” Neil said, carefully. “Then I need you to realize that what happened to Andrew, what led him to plan and wait to get on my side of the program, wasn’t _your_ fault and couldn’t have been changed by your mere presence in his life.” Kevin opened his mouth, ready to argue, but Neil pointed at him with his fork, clearly not bothered by the droplet of peach juice on the table. “ _No_ , Kevin. It’s diminishing of you to reduce Andrew’s entire existence and problems to something that comes from your presence in his life, or lack thereof. Andrew is a whole person who already had some... issues before you.” 

Kevin closed his mouth and thought about that. It wasn’t Neil’s fault that he didn’t understand that _Kevin_ would blame himself for almost everything, even when accusing someone else of being at fault as well. It was just how he dealt with failure. 

However, Andrew could laugh at the way that Neil just _ignored_ that whole thing and changed the subject by asking, “What about Exy? Did you find a new decent court somewhere else?” 

The only reason Andrew didn’t laugh, not even to himself, was because as the days went by, Andrew realized what a sneaky thing Neil had been doing. Without anything emotionally heavy to bury him, Andrew couldn’t numb himself to dangerous levels. He had been losing time, getting himself immobile on the account of not thinking, feeling, moving—but he couldn’t do that anymore. 

Neil didn’t hide his worry about Andrew’s apathy and didn’t hide his relief now that, since they steered into safer topics, Andrew kept himself around because… he couldn’t simply ignore time with Kevin. It was, frankly, deplorable. 

Neil didn’t think it was, and implied his opinion on it loudly without really addressing it (because, to him, any reason that made Andrew stick around, no matter how small, was a good enough reason), but Andrew thought it was. The way Andrew couldn’t stop himself from wanting to know about Kevin and how he’d been doing was pathetic. How he wanted to take Kevin anywhere that would make him relax, since he could see how tired and stressed Kevin seemed, and couldn’t force himself to not pay attention to him. 

He had spent too long caring for Kevin’s emotional and physical well-being to _not_ revert to those urges whenever Kevin was around him. 

It was tiring to fight against that urge; at the same time, it was overwhelmingly hard to stop himself from chasing the numbness that could end him. Conflicting interests, maybe, but they were both things that were, technically, out of Andrew’s hand. 

Andrew had so few choices on the inside. Having just two things to fight over was a lot for him. 

He couldn’t actively _do_ anything by himself. Neil had to stick to whatever Andrew thought he should—which he did, as often as he could, as long as it wasn’t harmful to the body or Andrew himself. Neil also was invested in making Andrew stick around and wouldn’t do anything harmful that could jeopardize that—like, for example, call the old Foxes so they could watch the show, or cast their judgment. 

Andrew didn’t feel grateful for Neil’s way of basically placing safety nets all around Andrew. It didn’t matter how far Andrew wanted to fall, Neil would try to catch him. 

However, Andrew didn’t care about fighting Neil. It was _harder_ to numb himself, but not impossible. Therefore, Andrew didn’t pretend he wasn’t in the eternal processing of letting himself go, and Neil kept arguing. 

After Neil and Kevin had exhausted all the subjects they could breach, Neil surprised Andrew by offering to start Neil and Kevin’s old routine from before their staged revolution: running and doing improvised Exy drills. 

It had been hard to find places to do either of those when they were hiding, but now they could just walk outside and start running, and walk to the neighborhood’s community center to do proper Exy drills. They were left alone while doing both, although people stared at Kevin, a little. 

Neil, inside Andrew’s body, always went unnoticed. 

Neither Kevin nor Neil tended to speak much when doing either activity. Neil had enough trouble adjusting his memories from being a striker in Nathaniel’s body to the muscle memory Andrew had from being a goalie. Kevin had nothing but determination when faced with a new, shiny challenge like that, going as far as to come up with a whole training regimen, for fuck’s sake. 

Andrew found them both boring. So fucking boring. 

Maddeningly, being bored by them meant that Andrew couldn’t bury himself as deeply as before. He paid enough attention to satisfy the urge to sunbathe in Kevin’s presence as much as he could, and let himself sink as much as he could when he wasn’t around. 

Neil, may his entire existence be as cursed as possible, didn’t leave Andrew alone, though. He kept adapting his techniques on how to prod Andrew, innocently, with inane questions that Andrew would either ignore or give short answers to, but that would _still_ bring Andrew a little out of the maze that was his memories. 

It didn’t help that Neil prodded because he wanted to include Andrew as much as possible when they spent time with Kevin. When they were playing Exy though, Andrew couldn’t express how little he cared for the stick game in a manner that stuck with Neil. It just wasn’t enough to keep Andrew around. 

(Neil didn’t force Andrew to admit that it wasn’t really about the stick game at all. But they were in the same body, and Neil didn’t bother to keep _those_ thoughts behind his protective walls.) 

Neil kept trying, which was annoying, but exactly what Andrew had come to expect from him. Neil would one day understand that there weren’t that many things that interested Andrew, though. 

Andrew recently could only think of one thing, and he would hopefully start losing his novelty soon. 

While on the court, playing, Neil made the mistake of thinking about what he could do that would increase Andrew’s interest in Kevin, again, and he got both of their minds inundated with unwanted images of Kevin and Andrew’s past. Their sexual past. 

Neil got hit by those thoughts while training passes with Kevin, which meant he also got hit by a well-aimed ball from Kevin. He rubbed his shoulder and scowled at Kevin, who seemed confused. Probably because he had never seen Andrew blush like he knew his face was right now. 

Andrew felt secure. There wasn’t any amount of sexual imagery that would bring him out of this apathy, even when he couldn’t dive into numbness. 

Andrew didn’t _need_ sex—or even physical touch, for that matter. 

Neil knew that, but Andrew could still hear the machinations happening somewhere in Neil’s mind. Not about how he could jump Kevin; the way Neil thought about sex was so different from anything Andrew had ever experienced, but he didn’t seem to crave it _himself_ , although he could feel the body wanting it. Andrew knew that Neil would _probably_ enjoy participating in _something,_ but as it was, Neil kept trying to find alternatives that would make Andrew want to stick around. Some activity that would physically bring Kevin close to them, and that Andrew wouldn’t protest against. 

It was ridiculous, because Andrew could hear each option, and he disliked… all of them, pretty much. Neil had thought about _asking Kevin to attend dance classes_ , for fuck’s sake. 

That was maybe what surprised Neil when Kevin arrived one day and said, “Could we go for a car ride?” 

Neil was confused, but got the keys to Andrew’s car. Neil knew, from Andrew’s memory, how expensive and potent the car was, so he only felt comfortable using it when absolutely necessary—for groceries and to go to the Mind Healer’s office. Cars weren’t really necessary when the souls had transformed the world, and public transportation now was envisioned to function as environmentally clean as possible, on top of being free. 

Neil tried to offer the keys to Kevin, who shook his head. “You drive.” 

“But… I don’t know where we’re going,” Neil replied, unsure. 

“We’re not going anywhere,” Kevin said patiently. “We are just driving. You’ll see.” 

Neil was tense for the first ten minutes of their conversation, stilted because Neil didn’t understand what was the reason for this. Kevin kept the topic of conversation to inane things—asking questions about other planets, about details from Neil’s part of the program he wanted to know more, like the contract and stuff like that. Unemotional, factual talk. 

It was enough to relax Neil into a comfortable mind frame. After that, it didn’t take long for Neil to realize how _relaxed_ the body itself was, just by driving. 

Kevin was smiling, almost smugly, since his plan had clearly worked. Neil raised an eyebrow at him when they stopped at a traffic light. 

“Andrew enjoys driving,” Kevin explained. Neil startled, clearly waiting for protests from Andrew and shocked at receiving nothing for his troubles. Kevin misunderstood his reaction. “Andrew hides what he wants or needs to do really well, even from himself.” 

Neil thought about that as they kept driving, and eventually the conversation stopped happening, and they just enjoyed going everywhere. Nowhere. 

Andrew couldn’t be angry at being known, even though he wanted to, a little. It tasted too much like a tiny victory for him to bother simmering in that kind of shit. 

(It tasted too little like defeat. It was almost enough to make Andrew spiral, but just looking at himself hard enough told him he still didn’t want to stay around, not really. Everything was as it should be, for now.) 

That wasn’t the only time that Kevin surprised both Andrew _and_ Neil. 

As they once again ran the risk of having no subjects, Kevin turned to Neil after a moment of silence in their conversation to ask, “Why has Andrew never adopted a cat?” 

“A cat?” Neil repeated, stupidly. 

“Yeah. I don’t think he realized I’d noticed, but whenever we found a stray cat on the run—which was rare, since souls did a fantastic job with shelters and foster programs and stuff—he would at least try to pet them.” 

Both Andrew and Neil went through Andrew’s memories of the early side of the last decade. It wasn’t that Andrew had gone out and chased cats when they were hiding, but it was true that if the cat approached them willingly, Andrew would pet them. 

It was such a tiny thing. Too tiny to garner the strong emotion that almost choked both Andrew and Neil together to a sweet death. 

_Well?_ Neil asked Andrew, after they successfully battled the feeling and fell back into quietness. _Why did you never adopt a cat?_

Andrew couldn’t think _why_ that was an important thing to answer but, hesitantly, he did. _It just never crossed my mind._

Neil repeated that to Kevin, who hummed thoughtfully but didn’t dispute it. 

However, that wasn’t the last time Kevin asked something of Andrew, directly. He had never treated Neil poorly again, and he had known that Andrew was in there, of course—but he had never addressed him. Neither Andrew nor Neil had realized that Kevin actually thought of them as two people in a body until Kevin began to ask both of them things, including both of them in conversation. 

It served to bump Andrew’s interest again, keeping him afloat a little longer. Even on the court, when they were training, Kevin would sometimes ask if Andrew remembered a specific game from forever ago and ask him the specific passes it had. Even when he _could_ be bored, Kevin didn’t leave him enough room to. Andrew couldn’t just assume he was a ghost in his own body anymore. 

Neil began to look at Kevin differently after that. He hadn’t realized how much he had been holding Kevin at arm’s length—recognizing his usefulness to keep Andrew interested, but afraid that Kevin would make things worse once more. Neil didn’t fully trust Kevin, but he could recognize that Kevin hadn’t screwed up majorly again. Kevin also _knew_ Andrew and how to care for him, even though neither Neil nor Andrew had known that. Andrew had been so used to taking care of Kevin that he hadn’t realized he even knew how. 

It was annoying. Andrew got used to receiving little crumbles of information about himself. 

Neil’s crush on Kevin was painfully obvious. 

Andrew knew that Kevin had his suspicions about it. Kevin had lived among the Ravens, though, and crushes worked differently there. Andrew knew that if Neil didn’t say anything about it, Kevin would ignore it. 

Just listening to that thought from Andrew had made Neil want to shrivel up like a touch-me-not. Neil preferred to believe that Kevin was just assuming that it was the _body_ who had a crush on him—especially since Neil didn’t want to complicate anything. 

It didn’t change the results, though. They weren’t talking about feelings anymore, so Neil and Kevin, who were the only ones around with autonomy over a body, buried their respective heads underground and pretended there was No Tension around, of any kind. Everything was perfectly fine, they were just bros being bros. 

Until the day that a storm started around midnight and didn’t seem to want to stop. 

Kevin had stayed later than usual—late enough that the storm began, and he didn’t really want to brave the outside until he arrived at the subway station that would take him to his apartment. 

“We can watch a movie while we wait for it to pass?” Neil suggested and Kevin agreed. 

The problem with that was that, even though the program had brought some humans back into the world, the entertainment industry was still… shit. Souls disliked violent movies, scary movies, death, torture, pain of any kind—which reflected on the media they created. 

The movie they had picked had come out recently and was the first of what would probably be hundreds. It was called _Dead Walkers_ , and had been co-written by a soul and a human, directed by a soul and a human and had a cast of people with and without souls. 

It was a disaster. Souls were too polite to say it was bad by their standards, and most humans were able to fake enjoyment over it while shitting on it to other humans. 

For Andrew in particular, the movie was incredibly boring because the zombies were some metaphor for who fucking knew what. Andrew definitely didn’t, since he didn’t even bother to pretend he was doing anything other than watching Kevin as the movie played. 

Kevin, who had been yawning more and more frequently as the movie progressed. Kevin, who kept giving side eyes to the closed window, watching silently as the storm didn’t seem to want to decrease its intensity. 

Andrew sighed to himself, annoyed. _Just fucking ask him._

Neil wanted to argue, and Andrew wished he had hands to slap the back of his head. He could send the image to Neil, which would (and did) annoy him, but didn’t give the same satisfaction to Andrew as the act would’ve. 

Neil knew he was being ridiculous about it, but he still waited until the end of the movie to ask. 

“You can sleep over, if you want to,” Neil said to Kevin as the credits rolled on the screen. Kevin shot one last look at the window and then smiled at Neil—a tiny, grateful thing, but still much more real than anything he had ever shown Neil in years. 

Neil almost raised a hand to his own chest, which would have been _so fucking dumb_ , but he stopped himself just in time and smiled back at Kevin. At some point, Kevin had stopped looking startled (or even worse, teary-eyed) whenever Neil generally emoted with Andrew’s features. 

Kevin helped clean the small mess they had made by preparing and eating their last-minute dinner. Neil always ignored Andrew’s dishwasher, and it wasn’t different today. Kevin was already used to it and simply took the dishcloth Neil kept to dry dishes when he was done. With both of them doing their tasks, they were done in less than 15 minutes. 

They took turns using Andrew’s bathroom. Neil insisted that Kevin should go first since he was more sleepy—Neil and Andrew weren’t that tired, and it would take them a while longer to sleep, just because that was the nature of having two minds active in one single body—and, while Kevin was in there taking what appeared to be a quick night shower and using the spare toothbrush Neil had bought for the apartment (for guests, he had told Andrew when he bought it three days after Kevin came in the first time), Neil went after clothes that were big enough for Kevin. 

As if that would be hard to find. Andrew sighed and reminded Neil that Kevin had left sweatpants in his apartment a long time ago. They smelled a little funky from being away for so long, but Andrew didn’t think Kevin would go around sniffing at it. A large enough shirt was easier to find. Neil left the folded clothes on top of the bed and nodded to it when Kevin came out of the bathroom, hair flopping on his forehead from being a little damp on the ends. 

“Thank you,” Kevin said, politely, and Neil simply nodded before going into the bathroom. 

Neil needed to take deep breaths before taking his own shower, telling Andrew to shut up when he got lost on the thought that Kevin had used _their stuff_ to take a shower and Andrew thought, quietly, that he was pathetic. 

Neil was fast. At least he would have the excuse that he’d rushed through getting ready and that was why he gasped when they came out of the bathroom and Kevin was lying on the left side of the bed, which used to be his side. 

Neil balked. Kevin looked at Neil after a while, clearly confused about why Neil had frozen like that—until it _clicked_ and Kevin practically jumped out of the bed, looking flustered. 

“I forgot,” Kevin fumbled with his words. “I’m just used to—This used to be my—” 

Kevin abruptly stopped talking while he bent to get his discarded clothes in his arms. When he came back up, Neil was still in the same place, just looking at him. Kevin opened his mouth once more and then closed it while gazing at the ceiling. 

All of them knew that in Andrew’s apartment, there was a perfectly usable guest room. It hadn’t really housed anyone in a long time, so the air there had that particular stagnated quality, but it _could_ be slept in. Many people wouldn’t like it, and could use the excuse of allergies or something not to do it. 

Kevin, however, seemed determined to do it, by the way he was crushing his clothes to his chest and waited for Neil to just kick him out. 

_Tell him to stay_ , Andrew told Neil. Neil had to take a quick pause, unsubtly debating whether he should go through Andrew’s thoughts, just to end up deciding not to. It wasn’t like Andrew would care; there was no ulterior motive. Andrew didn’t mind sharing a bed with Kevin, Kevin was already here and no one would have to sleep in a musty bedroom, sneezing until they died, just for the sake of being polite. 

Neil told Kevin exactly what Andrew had said, which was enough to make Kevin stop trying to suffocate his clothes. 

“I can sleep on the ground,” Kevin said after a moment of considering Neil’s offer. 

“Andrew says that’s unnecessary,” Neil told Kevin immediately, then sighed. “And I agree. I don’t have any problem with bed-sharing, and it’s big enough.” 

Kevin seemed ready to argue for a few seconds, but Neil had already been moving to the right side of the bed, pulling the covers down and getting under them. 

“If you don’t mind, turn off the lights,” Neil said when he was comfortable. 

Kevin gave him a long look, but did what he said. Then, resolutely, Kevin walked to the left side of the bed and got under the covers as well. 

An entire field would fit between them in that bed, but that didn’t matter. They weren’t doing this for the closeness, just for the convenience. 

It was still the quickest that Andrew and Neil had ever been able to find their way into unconsciousness. It was all because of Kevin’s breathing pattern, which was calm and rhythmic. They only needed to concentrate on it and then they were gone, without even needing to fight any intrusive thoughts. 

Although Kevin’s breathing was calming, it was also familiar in a way that the body liked. Liked enough to take both Neil and Andrew to a particular memory that Andrew had definitely tried his hardest to not let it come back to the surface. If Neil hadn’t really been able to deal with Andrew and Kevin making out, or having the occasionally rare handjob—which was messy, but quicker—Neil undoubtedly wouldn’t know how to deal with _this_. 

Which was Andrew on his knees, Kevin trying to control his breathing to sound as normal as possible—as if Andrew didn’t have his mouth enveloping his cock, his fingers stuffed in him—but Kevin still _moaned_ when Andrew’s fingers obliterated his— 

The body woke up with a gasp, dragging both Neil and Andrew out from the memory-slash-dream. That night, Kevin had left a hickey on Andrew’s neck, which had been throbbing as Andrew moved rhythmically inside of him. Their neck was throbbing in the present as they tried to get out of it, and they couldn’t hold back the quiet “Kevin,” that the body _wanted_ to moan, _needed_ to moan. 

They both snapped out of it when they heard a husky, tired, “Yes?” to their left. 

They fucking forgot about Kevin. Holy fucking shit, they forgot that Kevin was _right there_. 

Neil was a tiny ball of mortified feelings in a corner, tightly packed as if that would be enough for him not to deal with what was happening. Tightly enough that Andrew could feel there was something different, open spaces between them that didn’t exist before. 

Neil was too busy being mortified to realize that their lips weren’t just _his_ to control anymore. That their voice was truly _theirs_. 

Andrew didn’t even think twice about it. The body wanted it, and so did Andrew. So did Neil. So he acted, and said, “Kiss us.” 

Any movement stopped, including their breaths. It was dark, but Andrew could see a little of Kevin’s features, which were arranged in a lovely shocked expression. It had been enough to bring Neil back from his tightly packed ball, and Neil roughly shoved Andrew aside. “Andrew, what the—” 

“Wait,” Kevin interrupted Neil, who shut up immediately as Kevin sat up in bed and shuffled closer. “That was Andrew?” 

Kevin was way too close for Neil to be able to think of an answer quickly. Especially when both Neil and Andrew knew the body was still very much into the memory, and they were probably tenting their pajamas. Neil hoped Kevin didn’t look down, lying there as still as possible while he ignored what their body wanted. 

Andrew didn’t have Neil’s inexperience nor his embarrassment. Also, impulsively, Andrew wanted this. Recklessly, he wanted to pick this sudden change in their relationship like a ripe fruit, get them both as dirty as possible with it. 

It had been a while since Andrew had felt anything like this. He couldn’t focus on anything other than how much he wanted it. 

“Andrew, I’m still right _here_ ,” Neil argued, burying their face in their hands. If Neil had been mortified about wantonly moaning Kevin’s name while he was by their side, he was half dead at knowing he wanted the kiss that Andrew was asking. Muffledly, Neil kept going while ignoring Andrew’s logic. “Did you forget about that?” 

_It’s not like you don’t want it to_ , Andrew mocked him. _Also, I said ‘Kiss_ us _’. We both want it and we both could get it. Wouldn’t it be nice to finish the dream?_

_He might not want—_ Neil started to argue, but was interrupted once again by Kevin. 

“It’s okay if you don’t want to,” Kevin said in a whisper of a voice, and Neil had to unearth their heads just so he could look at Kevin. Make sure that not only had Kevin _spoken, but he had also_ spoken _those exact words._ “I don’t mind kissing both of you if that’s what you want, but if you _don’t_ want to… that’s fine.” 

Fortunately for Andrew, that was enough to make Neil go still again in a way that made it easy for Andrew to nudge Neil aside, to have control of their lips again now that he knew the way to them. “Kiss us.” 

“Andrew?” Kevin asked, unsure. 

“No, it’s the other twin,” Andrew huffed and sat up as well. Kevin, the fucking tall bastard, was still a little out of Andrew’s reach when he was sitting down. Andrew wouldn’t _force_ him to come to them, though, so he huffed, annoyed, and repeated, “Kiss us.” 

Neil was basically screaming inside their head that Kevin couldn’t possibly want to do this. 

_Do you not want us to kiss?_ Andrew confirmed with him. 

_Of fucking course I want to!_ Neil almost screamed back and Andrew raised their heads a little towards Kevin, who breathed deeply and slouched so he could look deep into Andrew’s eyes. Sunflowers towards the sun. _But Andrew, what if he doesn’t really mean it?_

_Kevin knows better than to kiss me when he doesn’t want to,_ Andrew told Neil as patiently as possible. It was hard to have patience when Kevin was just _there,_ waiting as his gaze focused hard on their mouth. _Yes or no, Neil?_

Andrew could almost feel Neil squashing whatever doubts that wanted to rise inside of him. It took him a few seconds for him, seconds where he watched Kevin focusing on them. Looking at their lips, as if he wanted this too much to even breathe, but wouldn’t move unless their body went to him. Unless both of them went to him. 

_Yes,_ Neil said then, decidedly. 

There wasn’t hesitation after Kevin watched Andrew’s face change. One moment they were apart, the next they were entangled vines, mouths hungrier than anything alive could ever be. Kevin kept his hand floating above Andrew’s shoulders until Andrew found his way towards both of their arms and buried Kevin’s hands in his hair. 

Kevin took a deep breath through his nose and held onto it again, because there was no exhale. Only warmth and firm fingers clinging to Andrew’s hair—not to be painful, but to show fear. Kevin was holding Andrew as if afraid of letting him go and having to watch him drift too far. 

Neil, Andrew noted with an absent thought, didn’t know how to deal with the real experience of being kissed. Andrew’s memory was perfect and vivid, but this was much better than _any_ of those. They were new, they were happening _right at that moment_. 

Of course Neil would care more about the moment than the past. 

Actually, he cared enough that when one of Kevin’s hands slowly made its way to their neck, softly petting the skin to try to make Andrew shiver, Neil got so _full_ of emotions that he shoved Andrew out of the driving seat of the body. If experiencing a kiss when he wasn’t controlling it was overwhelming to Neil, he felt past anything humanly measurable when he was actually controlling the body while kissing Kevin, deciding how it would happen. 

And then— 

“Neil,” Kevin breathed out when he parted their lips to catch his breath. It took a few seconds for Neil to even _register_ it, but when he did he lost control of the body again, just as Kevin dipped again to taste their mouth. Kevin moaned quietly after a few seconds into it, making his way down to Andrew’s neck, breathing out, “Andrew” before he sucked the sensitive skin there. 

_He can recognize who he’s kissing_ , Neil said breathlessly, and they both went a little fuzzy around their edges when Kevin went from lips to teeth. 

It was too much. 

It was not enough. 

Andrew still had their hands, so he used them to pull Kevin away from his neck and back to their mouth. They eventually gentled their mouths to spend forever just trading soft kisses while lying down, settling into their proximity as if it had always been like that. As if there was no other way of being. 

Eventually, their mouths stopped moving, but neither Andrew nor Neil moved away from Kevin’s space at all. They just… couldn’t. 

It was okay, though. Neither could Kevin, clearly. 

Waking up the next morning felt similarly to waking up the day after your birthday—or at least, to what Andrew thought most people experienced after their birthdays, if they happened to be a little more functional than him. It wasn’t a special day anymore, but _it felt_ like it should be, because of all the leftover excitement from being celebrated. Or something. 

Entangled with them, Kevin seemed dead to the world and to what he was making Andrew and Neil go through. Neil didn’t want to leave the bed, but Andrew would be found dead before being caught watching Kevin Day sleeping, so Neil sighed and detangled them from Kevin. 

Andrew had fuzzy static all over his corner of their mind. Without having limbs to control once again, it seemed like he would have to endure the sensation of tingling all over with the weirdest form of phantom limbs. Phantom body, maybe. Neil seemed to feel it too, but over having the control of the body all for himself once again. 

Fixating on that was safer than trying to process everything that had happened in the middle of the night, especially since Neil seemed surprised that Andrew had surfaced strongly enough to take control of the body. 

When the weird tingles went away, though, they couldn’t stop their minds from reliving everything as they absentmindedly made coffee. Neil seemed conflicted over being ashamed or elated, while Andrew just thought it was the best thing that could have happened. 

He wanted to pat himself on the back at the same time that he wanted to _grieve_. If Kevin and Neil got their shit together, Andrew would at least be able to go away knowing that Kevin truly wouldn’t be alone. Neil and Kevin would take care of each other, and they could find a nice soul to inhabit Andrew’s body, if Neil truly wanted to go back to Nathaniel. 

Kevin would be okay. Neil would make sure of it. 

Meanwhile, Andrew would try to deal with the almost confirmation that he truly could be replaced by Neil without letting it turn into bitterness. 

Andrew could almost feel Neil wanting to argue but, with a shock, Andrew realized that Neil was also stuck on his own dilemma: Neil felt conflicted because, even though he was happy that he got to have at least one kiss, he knew that there was no possible happy ending for any of this. As Andrew stayed quiet, he felt Neil’s mind zooming over two possible futures. 

In one of them, the more hopeful one, Neil was able to help Andrew find his footing towards a more stable place, mental health-wise. He also helped Andrew and Kevin see how their communication was fucked up and, finally, after months of just catching glimpses, Andrew caught what felt like a long blink at what was truly behind Neil’s mental defense: Neil had been planning on finding Bee to help, since she was the only Mind Healer that Andrew had ever trusted. Their current one would never work, he hit too many of Andrew’s nerves. If Neil could find Bee, though, things could work out. 

Neil couldn’t see how he could fit between them in that future. Mainly because Neil doubted that Kevin cared about him at all to even cogitate making Neil part of their happiness. 

In the less hopeful future, though, Neil couldn’t keep Andrew around. He couldn’t help him towards a more stable place and Andrew eventually slipped into numbness forever, like Nathaniel. Neil would try whatever he could think of to bring Andrew back, but he knew it wouldn’t be enough. If a person really wanted to go, they would go. 

Kevin would blame Neil. Kevin wouldn’t want Neil around him at all. 

Neil had known since the beginning that he wouldn’t be forever in Andrew’s body, or get to keep anything from him that wasn’t just memories. Neil was beyond compromised in his task of just “experiencing Andrew’s life”. He wanted it, but not in a way that would erase Andrew. He wanted it exactly as it was, or better than it. 

But he couldn’t ignore that there was a gigantic possibility that it could be _worse_ —for all of them or just for him _._

Andrew thought he was ridiculous. _You won’t need me around if you have feelings for each other,_ Andrew argued, trying to get Neil out of that mood. _It will hurt him if I’m not around, but you’ll have each other._

Neil, illogically and intensely, immediately became angry at Andrew. 

_I don’t want him at all if you’re not there as well!_ Neil screamed, louder than anything Andrew had ever heard of him. Andrew didn’t know what to say to that. He lived with Neil on his brain, he experienced daily how much Neil seemed to care for him, but Andrew didn’t understand why Neil was so attached, especially when Neil could have Andrew’s life if Andrew was gone. 

Neil would take care of it much better than Andrew had ever done. 

Neil was gearing up to fight against Andrew on that, but Kevin chose that moment to appear in the doorway of the kitchen, eyes practically still closed as he shuffled forward. Andrew felt Neil’s anger take a dip towards helpless _fondness_ as Neil just handed the mug of coffee he’d just finished making. 

Kevin audibly gagged because of all the sugar that Neil put in the mug—because Neil had been distracted and Andrew’s muscle memory was much more generous than Neil ever would be, indulging Andrew’s sweet tooth. 

Kevin drank the entirety of the coffee, though. Andrew thought he might complain about how unhealthy it was later, but Kevin was still blinking half-asleep, caffeine clearly not affecting him yet. 

“We should probably talk about it,” Kevin said after a few seconds of watching Neil prepare a new mug of coffee. Neil stopped in his tracks but didn’t turn to look at Kevin. He knew his face would give his dread away. 

Andrew didn’t want Neil to turn because of what he could hear in Kevin’s voice, coloring it in a green tinge that just made Andrew want to puke: hope. Andrew knew that Kevin just had a hopeful glint in his eyes to go together with his voice. 

The last thing Andrew wanted to do was address it. Andrew never really wanted to talk about anything, but he especially didn’t want to talk about _this._ He had never bothered to deliver fake reassurances, and Kevin wouldn’t understand that nothing had changed. He wouldn’t understand that Andrew hadn’t wanted to kiss him because he was feeling better and almost ready for everything to go “back to normal.” He had just been horny and wanted a kiss. 

Nothing was suddenly okay, even though Kevin seemed to want to believe it was. Andrew wouldn’t indulge him, and Neil couldn’t do that without risking Kevin hating him in the future. 

Neil agreed with Andrew—not on everything, but definitely on that last part. 

“I think,” Neil told Kevin, his back still turned. “That Andrew and I need to talk about some things first before we talk to you.” 

Taking a deep breath, Neil finally looked back at Kevin, who was nodding slowly with a guarded look on his face. 

“Of course,” Kevin said, carefully. “Can I come back later? Or should I come back tomorrow?” 

Neil waited for Andrew to protest, but Andrew didn’t. It wouldn’t make a difference if this conversation happened today or tomorrow. Andrew could already feel something growing inside of him, something ugly and desperate. Cornered. 

“Come back tonight,” Neil told Kevin, and they said their goodbyes quietly. 

“Bye, Andrew,” Kevin said, when he was already on the corridor outside of the apartment. 

Neil smiled—a tiny, half-dead thing. “He said bye back.” 

Kevin watched him for a few seconds. “No, he didn’t.” 

Neil let the fake smile slip. “No, he didn’t.” 

The sound of the door closing was final. It echoed inside of Andrew as if he was a hollow thing, half ready to keel over and serve as nothing but food for the Earth. 

Andrew was familiar with the dread of being forced to change his plans, what he believed he needed to do in order to survive, but this one felt different. It wasn’t a challenge to his survival, it was a challenge to the conviction he had that he _would die_ shortly—and now he had to consider that. Maybe. He might not. 

It felt hopeless. It tasted like anguish over how long he would have to keep going at it, keep watching his carcass being dragged around, sometimes useful and sometimes just out of the way. 

It didn’t help that this hopeless desperation clung to the part of Andrew that was becoming more and more aware of being cornered. Andrew had been put in corners his whole life, but never one like this. Not cornered in his own mind, without a body. Hyperaware that he was being watched. 

In the past, there had been comfort in knowing he was alive because he allowed himself to be. He hurt himself and clung to dreams because he allowed himself to be. The veil had been lifted enough that Andrew realized he’d believed that he was giving up on himself, but no. He had given up on having choices. 

Everything Andrew felt, Neil could see. Everything Andrew thought, Neil could listen to. It didn’t matter that Andrew didn’t want to talk and that he just wanted things to keep going the _right_ way—the way he had accepted for months. 

He couldn’t do anything to stop Neil from listening. He couldn’t force Neil to erase him and, in the frantic fear of his cornered mind, he realized that he could be kept here forever, stuck. Never free. 

It was uncomfortable to realize that Andrew didn’t have choices to keep going with his plans. 

Except. Getting Neil out of him. 

It was less than ideal, but it would mean sticking to his— 

_I can hear that,_ Neil said in a tired voice. _And I also can hear why you really want to take me out of you, even if you're not thinking it with words, Andrew. I’ll repeat it as many times as you need: I will not take your place, even if you want me to._

Andrew wanted to hit him. _Are you blind? Or are you just being stupidly stubborn? This way, we_ all _get what we want. I get to kill myself before everything turns into an even worse tragedy, since this whole business with the program didn’t fucking work, you get to keep Kevin—_

_Kevin won’t want me without you—_

_If you’re not in my body when I kill myself, he won’t have any reason to—_

_Andrew, I also don’t want you dead!_

_Then WHAT do you want?_ Andrew screamed at him and could feel himself growing bigger inside their mind, shoving Neil to a smaller corner out of desperation. Not because Andrew was powerful with that fueling him, but because this was his body and there was a part of it that would always answer better to Andrew than to Neil. The cornered feeling knew to trust Andrew to find a way to get them out of any shitty situation. 

_It doesn’t_ matter _what I want!_ Neil said from his corner—not screaming. The opposite, actually. Andrew could feel their eyes burning, but they wouldn’t cry. Not over him. _The point of the program is that I either get to help you be more comfortable hosting another soul, so the whole trauma held in your memories won’t overwhelm them, or—_

_You erase me and my body can be given to someone else._

_Or,_ Neil growled, and Andrew heard their teeth grinding against each other loudly. _You decide that hosting once was enough for you, and you can rescind the contract. The program was never about killing humans, Andrew, even those who don’t want to live anymore. The program just wants to help find a way to make everybody’s life easier, especially theirs. You probably don’t know it, but we have the highest success rate—_

It wasn’t that Andrew hadn’t known that they sometimes were able to convince people to stick around, Andrew just knew the percentage was absolute. 

_It would make_ my life _so much easier if I didn’t have to_ live _anymore,_ Andrew said after a moment of silence, knowing he sounded tired and not hiding it, because he was tired. Of arguing, of himself, of everything. 

_Andrew, I am_ in _you. I know that’s a lie_. Andrew didn’t even have enough energy to protest because he didn’t see a _point_ —if Neil, who was in him, was blind to Andrew’s convictions to _this_ degree… _It’s not that you’re not tired. You are. But you are tired of_ living _because finding reasons to keep going on top of doing all the things you need to do to keep you alive tire you out. And it’s fine if you don’t have the energy to take care of yourself or if you don’t know how to ask for someone to take care of you; I’m here and I can do it for you. Gladly._

Neil went quiet after saying all that, likely because he could _feel_ that Andrew was gearing towards violence. Andrew wished he could _punch_ something, anything, just so he could get rid of the pent-up energy inside of him that didn’t seem like it would stop growing anytime soon. 

He didn’t want to name that energy. It had destroyed him too many times for him to even consider anything other than brutality towards it. The same way it had brutalized Andrew again and again—with Cass, with Nicky, with Aaron, with Kevin— 

Andrew wanted to point a finger right into Neil’s face and tell him that he was a liar and that he couldn’t _want_ to do that for Andrew, because nobody could ever want to keep Andrew alive that badly. Everybody else seemed to realize he was not worth it. Andrew had nothing worthy to offer anyone, other than his protection—and nobody else in his life needed that anymore. Andrew wasn’t kept around because of anything else; he was unpleasant, vicious. Andrew accepted a long time ago that he had become that to survive at all. Other people accepted that because they thought they had to in order to get Andrew’s protection or they felt like they had some sort of responsibility towards Andrew. 

Andrew had never made a deal that involved someone taking _care_ of him. He had known since he was young: it was childish to expect that people would take care of him, no matter the circumstances. So Andrew himself did it—barely, poorly, because at some point he had wanted to survive, which didn’t last long enough, but he quickly substituted it with taking care of other people so that he _had_ reasons to survive. 

Without having someone to protect, there was no point in keeping himself alive. It was even more impossible to see why anyone would want to _want_ Andrew alive—except for those who he had helped in the past. Andrew understood wanting to keep something useful around. 

Andrew wasn’t useful to Neil—in fact, Andrew was a hindrance—so Neil should _want_ him dead. 

_I don’t want you dead because I like having you around,_ Neil told Andrew slowly, but firmly. Neil didn’t even need to look into Andrew’s mind to know that wasn’t enough for him. _You are strong, you are unbearably loyal, but you have trouble reaching out and asking for help. You remind me a little of Nathaniel, because of your conviction that no one alive anymore has any genuine interest in taking care of you so you do it by yourself, and try not to let people get too near. Maybe I am projecting onto you because I couldn’t help Nathaniel see that his life didn’t start and end with the death of his abusers, but I might be able to help you. I_ want _to help you. Because you’re you, and you become more and more important in my life as the days go by. I don’t want to take away your choices, I want to realize that you can want other things other than just wanting yourself dead._

_People only care about me because of what I can do_. _Why the_ fuck _do you want me around? Emotional motivation just—_

Wasn’t enough to make people stay. 

It never was. 

_Why would I want you dead, though?_

Andrew felt like they were going in circles. _You can have my body._

_I have my own and I happened to like it. If I wanted a new body, though, the program has many other hosts._

_Those hosts don’t have a body that is desired by the person you’re currently attracted to._

_Ah, but you see, I don’t want Kevin if you can’t have him as well._ Andrew could almost hear the smile Neil was giving him. It was smug, triumphant, and also a little sad. _You think you have to offer something so people will stay in your life and I don’t want us to go forward on that. Instead, I can tell you, promise you even, if you preferred to have that: I don’t plan on having Kevin to myself. It’s both of us, or I don’t want it, and you can have him all to yourself if you want to._

_Stop—_

_You think I would want your life because your memories made me love Kevin, and I can promise you: I don’t want your life and I never will. It’s yours and I want_ you _to want to have it. I don’t want to erase you._

_But_ I _want to erase_ me— 

_And that's fine!_ Neil exclaimed, and it almost felt like taking a physical hit. 

It did stop the cornered feeling from making Andrew descent into more catastrophizing thoughts. Of course, part of him wanted to accuse Neil of anything that would invalidate what he was saying, but their curse was twins: Andrew couldn’t hide his thoughts from Neil, and Neil couldn’t hide all of himself from Andrew. 

From what Andrew had access, Neil was telling the truth. For some reason, he wanted Andrew alive, and he understood that Andrew currently didn’t want to keep going. He accepted the responsibility of _taking care of Andrew_ —just because he wanted to. Because he approved of how far Andrew went for the people. Wanted Andrew to realize that there were people who would go as far, and further, for Andrew himself. 

Even if Neil could only show it with his own actions right then. 

Part of Andrew wanted to argue that Neil was hiding something. He still had some walls, some thoughts he protected fiercely. 

As soon as Neil noticed that thought, Andrew felt Neil taking a deep breath and stripping his defenses bare all the way down. For the first time, Andrew saw _all_ of Neil’s thoughts and plans for the future; it was so drenched in _hope_ that Andrew wanted to gag. Neil wanted to assist Andrew in taking care of himself, finding Bee so she could go back to help Andrew take care of his mind, and _stay by Andrew's side._ For as long as Andrew wanted him to. 

It was so filled with caring that Andrew felt like he would drown in it. Neil wanted Andrew by his side, not because he pitied him, but because he enjoyed _Andrew's presence_ in his mind. Neil had information about Andrew from the Foxes, and he might have come into this situation because he had felt some responsibility—because Andrew was Kevin’s friend—but Neil truly enjoyed Andrew, just for being the way he was. Neil understood that Andrew didn’t see a reason to like himself, so he was determined to like Andrew himself so it was enough. 

Andrew didn’t get it. He was nothing but a clingy, nasty little child who had known enough manipulation to attach himself to people and survive that way. Andrew didn’t get how someone who could share his brain and his thoughts was able to _ignore_ the things Andrew thought he had to do to keep those people around: Andrew had the potential to become worse and manipulate people even worse so they would stay. Andrew was a parasite, and nothing else. 

_Excuse me, that’s my role here,_ Neil said, and Andrew wanted to roll his eyes. As the state of his feelings, he couldn’t yet. There was too much for him to digest, and he didn’t _want_ to. It was comfortable to stay lost, wanting to cling onto his dying wishes and deny the reality that the depth of being able to have another perspective about himself gave him. That feeling and knowing that Neil truly appreciated him was earth-shattering. _Andrew, you are not the bad things you think about, either about yourself or other people. I judge you by your actions and you never act on those things. You are not a bad person just because you have bad thoughts. Like I said, it’s fine if you want to erase yourself, it’s fine you feel like you want to die and it’s fine if you don’t know how to deal with any of this right now. You’re not healthy, so I won’t expect healthy logic from you. We can work on getting you to a better point, though and while you’re not there, I’ll be here making sure you are eating, sleeping, and_ resting _. Whatever I can help to make things easier for you. I just need you to trust me._

_You will get tired of it. One day, you will want to go away._

Like everyone else, Andrew wanted to say, but he wasn’t as pathetic yet. 

_I don’t know if you’re at a point where you can believe promises again,_ Neil said, calmly. _But I promise you, I won’t._

There was still a little corner of Andrew who wanted to rage against those words, accuse Neil of anything that would be enough to get Neil away from him. Just so Andrew wouldn’t cave and fold, wanting to believe that it was worth it to have this last hope. That he wasn’t once again falling into the stupidity of believing in pipedreams. 

It was harder to doubt Neil since they were in the same body. Neil hadn’t once given up on him, told Andrew that he shouldn’t act on his thoughts and just… end everything. Andrew constantly fell for the lullaby his brain was stuck on, but Neil kept himself there, arguing against the music. 

There weren't any barriers between them. Andrew had proof that Neil wouldn’t give up on Andrew, even when Andrew wanted to give up on himself, and Andrew could see that Neil’s belief in his promise was unshakeable. 

Was that enough? Was knowing that Neil believed whole-heartedly in what he said enough? 

Andrew wanted to laugh, to scorn at Neil, but he had trusted in a lot less than that from other people in his past. He had trusted in Kevin without much reassurance, and Kevin had done the same back. Andrew had believed that Kevin wouldn’t find a reason, and he still made a deal with him, anyway. 

Because Andrew wanted to believe that someone could care about keeping him alive. 

He didn’t have any reason to believe that Kevin would succeed, but… Kevin did succeed. Protecting Kevin and Andrew’s family kept Andrew alive until he was pushing the unpleasant side of his late twenties. It had kept Andrew alive much later than Andrew had ever expected to live—and it had been good. Andrew had had a purpose for a long time. 

Neil wasn’t promising something outrageously hard to achieve. He was telling Andrew he would always be near, and that was achievable. He was telling Andrew he didn’t even need to let go of the dying option. 

It felt too good to be true. 

But so had what Kevin had promised Andrew forever ago, and he still trusted Kevin. 

Andrew still didn’t want to live, and that was okay. He could trust that Neil’s safety net would get him to a point where Andrew could grow and let himself be. Unthinkingly, illogically, cravingly. 

Andrew felt Neil having a tiny celebration in his corner and wanted to roll his eyes. Instead, he just waited for him to be done, denying that what he could feel warming himself on the inside was fondness. 

It felt like finally letting go of a breath. It felt like opening a door that had been closed forever ago, to let a breeze in. Still, as soon as Neil was done, they both realized they weren’t done talking yet. 

_We have to decide what the plan moving forward will be_ , Neil said, and both of them were hit by the same wave of dread from earlier. 

_We need to talk about Kevin_ , Andrew said, which made Neil roll his eyes. 

_We need to talk_ to _Kevin,_ Neil said. 

The hours between their discussion of what they wanted and the time that Kevin arrived were filled with a mix of Neil trying to keep the calmness of their routine—which was a failed effort, since Kevin had become an intrinsic part of their routine recently—at the same time that their minds kept a noisy dialogue full of What Ifs going on—which Andrew hated. There was no point in losing so much time worrying about _hypothetical situations_ , but Neil’s brain fed their worries. Andrew tried his best to control them as much as he could with compartmentalization. 

Of course that meant that, when Kevin arrived, both Neil and Andrew felt exhausted, and probably looked something much worse than that. Kevin gave them worried looks right at the door, but didn’t say anything about it at all as he sat on the couch and stared with concern as they threw themselves in the black armchair. 

The scene echoed back to forever ago, when Kevin had first appeared, wanting help. There wasn’t grief and screams and pining between them, but the atmosphere was still just as heavy as it had been. 

It only got heavier when Kevin opened his mouth to clearly say something meaningless, since he was using his fake smile, but Neil cut him off by saying, “Andrew wants to die.” 

Kevin sat up, staring at Neil with wide, alert eyes. Neil didn’t let him steam on what seemed like terror for too long. “I’m saying this upfront because we skirted around this subject for long enough in the last few weeks, so it’s time to finally address it. He did want to participate in my part of the program because he hoped to be erased.” 

Kevin opened his mouth once again, and seemed to expect to be interrupted, maybe, because he said nothing as he let it just hang open. After a while, he said hesitantly, “I really didn’t think this would be the subject we would start with…” 

Of course Kevin wouldn’t. Andrew looked at him and saw that he still had that same hope under the fear—the thing that meant they would all stay together, or whatever happy ending Kevin was clearly envisioning. 

Neil rolled his eyes at him. “My priority here is Andrew, but if you want to talk about the kiss first—” 

“My priority is also Andrew,” Kevin squinted at Neil. “Are you implying that it isn’t?” 

“No. I’m just telling you that everything we’re talking here is framed by that.” 

“Fair… Can I just talk about something else first, though?” Kevin said and waited for Neil’s weary nod. Andrew approved of Neil’s reluctance. He didn’t really like the look in Kevin’s eyes. “I wanted to talk about you.” 

Neil thought, _Not again_ , but patiently asked, “What about me?” 

“I never apologized to you, Neil. I got so frantic over seeing Andrew with a soul and then relieved that he was still there that I never apologized for the way I treated you on that first day. It was wrong of me to hide behind my grief, to search for reasons to blame other people when I could have been honest to myself and admit that the blame was on—” 

“If you’re about to blame yourself for Andrew’s decision of going to the program, fuck you,” Neil said, fueled by Andrew’s exasperation and his own anger. “Blame is useless here, Kevin. It won’t change the past and it only hinders what you’ll be able to do in the future, because you’ll always drag it with you. I appreciate your apology, although I had worked it out on my own that you probably didn’t mean anything that you said, but you don’t get to take Andrew’s decisions and blame it on yourself.” 

“Who am I going to blame, though?” Kevin asked, frustrated. “ _Andrew?_ ” 

“No. Andrew’s mental health is what influenced his decision, because it’s ultimately what kept him from reaching out to people. But now we know that Andrew is not well, and we can help him in whatever way he needs. I’m not here to give you false hopes about anything, but I’m asking you to not bring the past and try to blame someone. We have to figure out how to deal with our futures, and blame won’t help in anything.” 

“ _Our_ futures,” Kevin repeated, adjusting himself on the couch and looking at Neil for such a long time that Neil had to try to channel the body’s normal reaction of suppressing emotions so they wouldn’t fidget. Kevin was clearly gearing up to this conversation with a hopeful mind frame and Neil disliked that heavily. 

“I’m not talking about our futures like that,” Neil said after the silence stretched for a long time. “I do admit that I, Neil Josten, have feelings for you. It might be because they were influenced by Andrew’s memories, but they didn’t grow from nothing. I had admiration for you from before. It never grew into something else because I didn’t _see_ the admiration for what it was, and… Well. Humans love differently than I’ve seen in other planets, and I’ve never been in a human host that…” Loved so much, Neil wanted to say, but he wouldn’t expose Andrew’s feelings like that. Neither Kevin nor Andrew had ever uttered the word love, so Neil wouldn’t steal that from them. “That felt things like that. Or that cared about it. Regardless of what I feel, Andrew is my priority here.” 

“He is my priority too,” Kevin said in a slow voice, although he still looked a little like someone had hit him and shook something loose inside his head. 

“Good,” Neil said, seriously. “So here’s what I think you should be doing: spending less time coming here every day, and instead _go out_ to find Wymack, so we can have Bee as a Mind Healer that Andrew already trusts.” 

Kevin frowned at Neil, looking suspicious. “What is wrong with the Mind Healer from the program?” 

“Nothing is wrong with him, Kevin. Andrew is entitled to not trust him, but he already trusts Bee. I believe she could help him.” 

“Well…” Kevin said, fidgeting while looking slightly guilty. “About that…” 

Neil felt like a bucket of cold, icy water had just been thrown down on their back. The last thing they needed was bad news _now._ “What?” 

“When I first came here, weeks ago,” Kevin started hesitantly. “I wanted Andrew’s help because we found Wymack, Abby, and Bee. They are fine,” Kevin reassured Neil quickly. “But… Bee had a soul implanted in her, dormant.” 

“What do you mean, _dormant_?” Neil asked, horrified. “As soon as a soul is implanted in a host—” 

“The soul takes over the body and part of the mind, yeah,” Kevin hesitated, seemingly looking for how to say the next words. “From what Bee said, the soul never took over, though. But, when we take the soul out, we can’t wake Bee up.” 

“And what happens—” Neil started, curious over the possibilities, then he shook his head. “That’s really not important right now. Can Bee see Andrew?” 

“Yeah, we put the soul back in as soon as we realized that Bee didn’t wake up by hearing the voices of people she recognized, and she woke up fine.” 

Neil, despite his scientific curiosity, didn’t waste _even a second_ thinking about what that could mean. He didn’t even bother trying to question Kevin on why he hadn’t said this earlier. His focus went entirely to organizing how this would all happen—until he stopped immediately to pay attention to Andrew’s thoughts and looked up at Kevin, just like Andrew wanted him. 

They both watched as hope bloomed in Kevin’s face, unashamedly. Neil knew it was important for Andrew to address it right then. It was far too late to keep letting things go unsaid—and, if Andrew couldn’t find the words to express himself, Neil could help him. Wanted to help him. 

“Andrew has a message to you,” Neil said in a soft voice and Kevin sat straighter on the couch. “He wants me to make it one thing very clear to you: things can’t go back to the way they were before. Won’t.” 

Kevin swallowed, throat bobbing as he nervously thought of how to answer that. “I… I know. The program really—” 

Neil waved a hand in the air. “I’m not talking about the program, Kevin. I’m talking about you and Andrew’s…” 

“Relationship,” Kevin completed with conviction. Both Andrew and Neil ignored how that made them feel. 

“Yes. It won’t ever be the same, and I expect you to keep that in mind. I know you remember what it was like to wake up afraid every day, before your hand was broken and Andrew was there to make a deal with you. I know you know what’s like to wake up and absolutely hate your life as it is. Andrew held out for as long as he could, but you have to understand that just because he’s letting us try to help him now, it doesn’t mean that it won’t have ups and downs. That it might not end with him not here anymore.” 

_That’s… so heavily edited, I don’t even know where to begin criticizing you first._

_I am_ not _telling Kevin to his face that “Near Year New Me” is still a feeling you identify with. Read the mood, Andrew._

“Are you… talking with him?” Kevin asked, bringing them both back to present. 

“Yes,” Neil admitted. 

“Hm…” Kevin hummed and got up. “Can I sit on the arm of your chair?” 

Neil permitted that with a wary nod, and as Kevin sat down he realized what a big, big mistake that was. Suddenly, all Neil could think about was that it couldn’t have been only last night that they fell asleep making out; it felt like years, lives had passed. It should’ve taken more than a day to make the body miss Kevin’s closeness this fiercely. 

“Can I hold your face?” Kevin asked in a whisper, and Neil looked up, up at Kevin’s body until his eyes could see Kevin’s face. Kevin should have looked stupid from this angle, but he didn’t. 

He looked sturdy. More solid than everything they’d ever seen before. Real in an attainable way. 

Neil nodded again, a little dazed, and Kevin cradled their face with one hand, lightly caressing their jaw with his thumb. Even Andrew felt that the gulp of air that Neil silently took was warranted. It was such a soft movement that Kevin had never done before, _ever._

“I once told Andrew that he was worth it,” Kevin said, still whispering. “It was the first time we ever met in person. I told him he was meant for greater things and later I promised I would find something that would make him want to live. I forgot to keep that promise, even though he kept his and never let me reach lower than rock bottom without being there to bully me back on my feet. There’s nothing worse that I could’ve done to him and I regret it deeply. It’s unforgivable. But I do understand that recovery has its ups and downs. I intend to be here for all of it.” 

Andrew could almost feel Neil trying to retract himself from Andrew’s limbs, but apparently he couldn’t give them to Andrew without a strong emotion to back it up. 

_I don’t know if he would be up for kisses right now,_ Neil commented, wary. 

_That’s fine,_ Andrew said dryly, although he almost told Neil to ask for one just for the hell of it. Just because they both wanted and were a little disappointed for not having kisses right now. 

Kisses wouldn’t solve this between Kevin and Andrew, though. Kisses wouldn’t be enough to make Andrew stay. 

“Andrew says,” Neil said, and had to pause to clear his throat. “That he can’t trust intentions right now, and I think that’s more than fine. He also says that you know he doesn’t believe in forgiveness, but… if he did... It’s not your place to call this situation unforgivable.” 

Kevin looked deep into their eyes and nodded. “I still think I should have done more for him. Made it clear how much I love him.” 

It seemed like they didn’t need kissing to warrant a strong emotion after all. 

Andrew stood up, and Kevin turned his body to accompany the movement. Andrew raised a hand to cradle Kevin’s face back and, after a few seconds, Kevin’s hand came back to Andrew’s face. 

“Listen to me closely, Day,” Andrew said in a low voice and watched as Kevin shifted into elatedness when he realized who was controlling the body. “ _Everything_ changed, and we never acknowledged that. I was pissed that you made me break my promise and you were busy saving the world. Then you were busy making sure the world would keep saving itself and I was busy pushing people away because that’s what animals do when they are hurt and dying.” 

“You are _not_ dyi—” 

“Shut up, Kevin, we’re all dying,” Andrew hissed and Kevin, obediently, shut up. “Listen to me: it’s not your responsibility to keep me alive. Love is not enough to keep anyone alive, attention is not enough. I’ve been letting myself go for too long, and it might get worse again in the future. It won’t be because of something you did or didn’t do, you egotistical little shit.” 

Kevin, nonsensically, smiled. “Okay.” 

Andrew wanted to hit him. Instead, he moved closer, close enough that their breaths mingled—until Kevin held his breath and looked deep into Andrew’s eyes. “I need to ask you what you think of Neil being here for this,” Kevin said, whispering. 

“I think it would be more fun if he had his own body here,” Andrew replied in a whisper as well, and Neil felt like his own world was tilting on his little corner. It was disorienting to experience, but Andrew knew that Neil would get that Andrew meant it. “But… I need him in my body right now.” 

“So you can try to get better?” 

“So I have someone arguing against the voice in my head that I should just let go.” 

Kevin let his breath out in one single go. “I’m glad he’s in you. And we can talk about him being here in his own body later, although… I also think that would be fun.” 

Andrew closed his eyes and focused on the uncertainty of his future, mixed with the assuredness of Neil’s promises and the hope that seemed to stick to all three of them. 

It might not be enough to get them through until the end. 

It might be too good to be true. 

Andrew might just be postponing what was an inevitable situation. 

But right then, Andrew was glad that he wouldn’t be dragging this human carcass by himself. That there were other people more than ready to help him not be alone, people who tried to find ways to make his life and his struggles easier, while letting Andrew go through it at his own pace. People who cared about him, even when he couldn’t see why they should. 

People ready to figure _how_ to care for him, even when he didn’t—couldn’t—voice how to do that or how much he wanted them to. 

For the first time in his life, hope didn’t feel poisonous. It felt nurturing. 

“I’m glad too,” Andrew told Kevin and let Neil open their eyes. 

They had a future. Together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
> And this is a wrap!  
>   
> I won't lie, this second part was a nightmare to write. It kept getting longer, I reread the whole thing and noticed inconsistencies and plotholes, I cried at least four times out of frustration but! Eventually, I finished it! I am proud of me and of this tiny look into Andrew's life!  
>   
> I hope y'all enjoyed it, despite the tiny amount of angst in it lmao. Thank you so much for reading! Look forward to hearing your thoughts <3  
> 

**Author's Note:**

>   
>  Thank you so much for reading!  
>   
> I’m [polzkadotz](http://polzkadotz.tumblr.com) on tumblr and [polzka_dotz](http://twitter.com/polzka_dotz) on twitter.  
>   
> (I will not promise when the next update will come. Maybe next week if we're lucky but don't hold onto that too tight. Also, if i forgot to tag anything, please tell me!)   
> 


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